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  1. #1
    An Writer
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    [RX] War

    Days pass and currency turns to memories
    Shit changes fast, and currently these friends turn into enemies
    Exchange blasts of energy, leaving burning mass bodies consumed by
    lethargy
    Grieving families, remorse is a anomaly
    Bleeding in agony, the source of the violence dead so no apologies
    Battles over quantities of territory and colonies
    Possibly, ideology
    No one knows the knowledge was lost to history
    Bulldoze the colleges and now it's all a mystery
    Throws blows over victory
    Pathetically throwing artillery trying to conquer liberty
    Add insult to injury, you warmongers destroyed these lands for century
    Deployed infantry, turned it into wasteland instantly
    Turned sand to glass with advanced weaponry
    Lands consumed by zealotry
    Carelessly, and dreadfully sought to create dooms day chemically
    Recklessly, leveling entire entities
    Perhaps it destiny we battle endlessly

  2. #2
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us
    Quote Originally Posted by Vammy View Post
    Days pass and currency turns to memories
    Shit changes fast, and currently these friends turn into enemies
    Decent opening bar here. If you were set on keeping the repeating 'turns to ___' I'd probably have just used 'turns to enemies' for the second line in order to match syllables with the end rhyme. Not a big deal though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vammy View Post
    Exchange blasts of energy, leaving burning mass bodies consumed by
    lethargy
    Grieving families, remorse is a anomaly
    Bleeding in agony, the source of the violence dead so no apologies
    Battles over quantities of territory and colonies
    Possibly, ideology
    Liked this section. Format/inconsistent line length, though when reading it the flow is fairly smooth and doesn't take anything away from the content. Subject matter is good and keeping interest.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vammy View Post
    No one knows the knowledge was lost to history
    Bulldoze the colleges and now it's all a mystery
    Throws blows over victory
    Pathetically throwing artillery trying to conquer liberty
    Add insult to injury, you warmongers destroyed these lands for century
    Deployed infantry, turned it into wasteland instantly
    Turned sand to glass with advanced weaponry
    Lands consumed by zealotry
    Carelessly, and dreadfully sought to create dooms day chemically
    Recklessly, leveling entire entities
    Perhaps it destiny we battle endlessly
    Might have added 'that' to the first line - No one knows the knowledge that was lost to history
    'That was lost to history'/Now it's all a mystery' = smooth

    Would want to pluralize 'century' to be grammatically correct. Or 'for a century' would work.
    Not a huuuge fan of how long you used the rhyme scheme for, would have liked to see it change up a bit, works for the most part still though.
    'Perhaps it's* destiny'

    Didn't mind the content, think the ending could have been a bit more...conclusive, or lengthened a bit more for same effect. Not a whole lot of complaints overall, though. Think with the subject matter if you were to add a few lines here and there with either some literal/metaphoric imagery or some emotion through thoughts it could enhance the piece. Either way, as is, not a bad piece at all, keep it up.

  3. #3
    sultan of syntax wes ghost's Avatar
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    Days pass and currency turns to memories
    Shit changes fast, and currently these friends turn into enemies
    Exchange blasts of energy, leaving burning mass bodies consumed by
    lethargy
    First bar is dope af man. 3rd line feels a little stretched and the hard sound of 'lethargy' doesn't fair well with memories/enemies. The content though, is great so far.

    Grieving families, remorse is a anomaly
    Bleeding in agony, the source of the violence dead so no apologies
    Battles over quantities of territory and colonies
    Possibly, ideology
    is AN anomaly*
    source of the VIOLENT dead*

    This section is dope though man. I feel like that third line would have been more buttery this way:
    'Battles over quantities of territory, colonies'

    No one knows the knowledge was lost to history
    Bulldoze the colleges and now it's all a mystery
    Throws blows over victory

    Thought this whole section was dope.

    should be 'these lands for centuries'

    Thought this line would be better like this:
    Deployed infantry; a wasteland instantly

    Final line should be:
    Perhaps it's destiny we battle endlessly
    or
    Perhaps, in destiny, we battle endlessly

    Overall, i dug this. I feel as though I would be remiss if I didn't point out the lack of difficulty in your rhymes, as well as the lack of an actual rhyme scheme, or really any inner rhymes/multis whatsoever. Not knocking the piece for being without them....i just know that each piece you write extends your ceiling, so I'll always shoot it straight with you. The content is great, the creativity is stellar, and the consistency is really good man. The thing with "-tion" rhymes or "-ly" or "-ty" rhymes is that almost every word can be turned into those participles. Get it out of your system, and you'll eventually see what I mean and you'll move past it. For now, however, it's allowing you to secure great content and insight into your brain.

    Good shit vam.....trips me the fuck out that you are getting so much better. You get better than me and i'll ban your account.....just sayin. haha stay up playboy







    r.i.p. jonny & luna
    cloak&dagger


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