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  1. #1
    Doom Bringer Treacherous's Avatar
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    There Was No Golden Fiddle, Daniel Webster Is In Hell

    Warning: long af.
    Maybe audio.


    Can you see the demons?
    Over my shoulder, I can see em
    Creepin in my dreams kinda secret
    Key to eternity, dos thou seek it?
    Look me in my eyes and you'll receive it
    What's that? Fire in disguise kinda scenic
    I'm not that guy from before, I'm different

    I was working over night, shift lent
    Used to take calls for Suicide prevention
    That shit will leave an indention
    Deep in the monster's den
    Those voices in my ear won't ever end
    But I digress, let me start on this ugly mess
    At first I thought it was a test
    A jest set up by co-workers to impress
    I answered the phone professionally
    Not knowing I'd be cursed indefinitely

    "Suicide prevention, I'm here to help"
    He said "Have you ever heard the screams of hell?"
    Was this a prank? I couldn't tell
    "Sir, what do you mean, let's speak rationally"
    He spoke back rather passionately

    "Hell is filled with people just like you
    Running through forever confused
    Before their fears tear them in two
    Like when you were sixteen and your mom died
    I remember the scene, I was by your side
    I balled up your fists as you cried
    The solution was clear: homicide
    All I had to do was guide your little mind
    "Your mom's gone, but that drunk driver's still alive"
    You prepared, snuck out late at night
    You weren't just looking for a fight
    No, no you wanted revenge that would bite
    So you decided to set his home alight
    Not realizing that he had a family inside
    You didn't even know until you saw the news, horrified"

    I sat at my desk baffled, the man cackled
    I'd never told a soul, "How did-"
    "I know all, now shut the fuck up kid
    Now imagine reliving this
    The feeling in your stomach as it fell into a pit
    Welcome to hell, the gates are glistening
    But I have a way out", I was listening

    "In front of you is some paper, don't make me repeat
    Make me your savior, sign your name to that sheet
    Thoughts of hell you may sever
    I can make you live forever
    You'll make the right choice, you're clever
    All I need is your everlasting soul
    But what's a soul to someone who won't grow old"

    I looked down at the paper I didn't recall getting
    My knees locked, cold sweat, face hot, fitting
    Slowly the fear had grown in my mind
    What other choice did I have but to sign?
    "Nice doing business with you"

    A click, I ran home face pale blue
    In my hurry, tires screeched, I almost ran a stop sign
    I was inches from being clobbered by a semi
    But my car had seemed to stop itself
    Maybe I did cheat my way out of hell?
    But look at my life it's hard to tell

    That happened in 04, in 05 my child died at 4
    In 06 my wife walked out the door
    In 07 my father complained that his throat was sore
    Throat cancer, perfectly healthy the month before
    So many deaths, at this point I'm keeping score
    Tried Suicide, what for?
    noose broke before the chair hit the floor

    Can you see the demons?
    I can see em

    "Jabez Stone: What does it mean here, about my soul?

    Mr. Scratch: Why should that worry you? A soul? A soul is nothing. Can you see it, smell it, touch it? No. This soul, *your* soul, are nothing against seven years of good luck. You'll have money and all that money can buy."
    Last edited by Treacherous; 10-19-2017 at 04:45 AM.

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  3. #2
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    Can you see the demons?
    Over my shoulder, I can see em
    Creepin in my dreams kinda secret
    Key to eternity, dos thou seek it?
    Look me in my eyes and you'll receive it
    What's that? Fire in disguise kinda scenic
    I'm not that guy from before, I'm different
    Good opening here. Should work nicely with audio depending on pronunciation and pacing. Not sure if I'm a fan of the use of 'dos thou seek it' at first glance, will depend on whether or not there's any similar follow up language as it goes along. Might be a bit condensed in terms of wording in things like 'What's that? Fire in disguise kinda scenic' as opposed to maybe 'What's that? The fire in disguise is kinda scenic' or something. Again, though, would be different for audio so would need to hear it to actually break it down fully like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    I was working over night, shift lent
    Used to take calls for Suicide prevention
    That shit will leave an indention
    Deep in the monster's den
    Those voices in my ear won't ever end
    But I digress, let me start on this ugly mess
    At first I thought it was a test
    A jest set up by co-workers to impress
    I answered the phone professionally
    Not knowing I'd be cursed indefinitely
    Hmm. Small issue with 'shift lent', seems slightly unnaturally worded here. Then there's the transition to the two 'tion' rhymes. [May work in audio]
    Liked this bar specifically - ' Deep in the monster's den
    Those voices in my ear won't ever end'

    In terms of content, I'm intrigued to see where the story/plot goes, the wording you've used so far has set this up to a sinister vibe.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    "Suicide prevention, I'm here to help"
    He said "Have you ever heard the screams of hell?"
    Was this a prank? I couldn't tell
    "Sir, what do you mean, let's speak rationally"
    He spoke back rather passionately
    Okkkkk, lets see where this goes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    "Hell is filled with people just like you
    Running through forever confused
    Before their fears tear them in two
    Like when you were sixteen and your mom died
    I remember the scene, I was by your side
    I balled up your fists as you cried
    The solution was clear: homicide
    All I had to do was guide your little mind
    "Your mom's gone, but that drunk driver's still alive"
    You prepared, snuck out late at night
    You weren't just looking for a fight
    No, no you wanted revenge that would bite
    So you decided to set his home alight
    Not realizing that he had a family inside
    You didn't even know until you saw the news, horrified"
    Ah. Hm. Interesting. I like the approach and the horror tie in here. Wording was simple and smooth and allowed a good pace for the content.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    I sat at my desk baffled, the man cackled
    I'd never told a soul, "How did-"
    "I know all, now shut the fuck up kid
    Now imagine reliving this
    The feeling in your stomach as it fell into a pit
    Welcome to hell, the gates are glistening
    But I have a way out", I was listening
    Not that I lost interest anywhere, but I'm re-intrigued. I like how you ended with 'But I have a way out', kept my interest and set up a whole new plotline. Good stuff.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    "In front of you is some paper, don't make me repeat
    Make me your savior, sign your name to that sheet
    Thoughts of hell you may sever
    I can make you live forever
    You'll make the right choice, you're clever
    All I need is your everlasting soul
    But what's a soul to someone who won't grow old"
    Flow, again, smooth, allowing good pace and keeping interest. Can tell the direction this is heading in and can't complain. Interested to see how it plays out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    I looked down at the paper I didn't recall getting
    I couldn't even think I was just sitting
    Slowly the fear had grown in my mind
    What other choice did I have but to sign?
    "Nice doing business with you"
    Very nice on the first line.

    Think ' I couldn't even think I was just sitting' could be done a bit differently rather than...I guess so simplistic in the thought, perhaps some some sort of simile or metaphor for the thought, though at the same time I can appreciate not wanting to over-complicate.
    Like how you ended this section.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    A click, I ran home face pale blue
    In my hurry I almost ran a stop sign
    I was almost clobbered by a semi
    But my car had seemed to stop itself
    Maybe I did cheat my way out of hell?
    But look at my life it's hard to tell
    Don't like the double 'I almost' here, also would prefer 'show, not tell', though again, can't over-complicate with audio in mind so can't complain too much.
    Ending of this section was nice, great follow up lines to the previous plotline.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    That happened in 04, in 05 my child died at 4
    In 06 my wife walked out the door
    In 07 my father complained that his throat was sore
    Throat cancer, perfectly healthy the month before
    So many deaths, at this point I'm keeping score
    Tried Suicide, what for?
    noose broke before the chair hit the floor
    Hmm. Interesting. So a trade off. I like the thinking behind this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    Can you see the demons?
    I can see em
    Good on bringing this back here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    "Jabez Stone: What does it mean here, about my soul?

    Mr. Scratch: Why should that worry you? A soul? A soul is nothing. Can you see it, smell it, touch it? No. This soul, *your* soul, are nothing against seven years of good luck. You'll have money and all that money can buy."
    Would this be an outro skit sort of thing? I like it. 'This soul, your soul, is*?'

    No major complaints here, had some issues that I mentioned, the main one as I pointed out was in this section:

    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    A click, I ran home face pale blue
    In my hurry I almost ran a stop sign
    I was almost clobbered by a semi
    But my car had seemed to stop itself
    Maybe I did cheat my way out of hell?
    But look at my life it's hard to tell
    Just that middle part that doesn't do a whole lot for me in terms of the wording, though the thought of it might be enough to pass it.

    Think you may have to adapt some of the wording as you go if you're doing this in audio, obviously, but I don't think I can recognize a whole lot that wouldn't be doable. Enjoyed this piece as a whole, presented an intriguing plot line, I liked the phone interaction and the pieces of dialogue, thought they added nicely to the horror/emotion feel of this. Wouldn't mind catching this as an audio if you end up doing it.

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  5. #3
    Maestro of Multis
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    Quote Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
    Can you see the demons?
    Over my shoulder, I can see em
    Creepin in my dreams kinda secret
    Key to eternity, dos thou seek it?
    Look me in my eyes and you'll receive it
    What's that? Fire in disguise kinda scenic
    I'm not that guy from before, I'm different


    So the topic/theme here intrigues me already.
    I've always been a fan of dealing with demons
    (of both figurative and literal definition) The only
    thing I see here that makes leaves me to question
    anything is "different" compared to the rest of the
    end rhymes having the E sound in them. but I like
    the context/subject here.

    I was working over night, shift lent
    Used to take calls for Suicide prevention
    That shit will leave an indention
    Deep in the monster's den
    Those voices in my ear won't ever end
    But I digress, let me start on this ugly mess
    At first I thought it was a test
    A jest set up by co-workers to impress
    I answered the phone professionally
    Not knowing I'd be cursed indefinitely
    "deep in the monster's den" love the imagery you
    created with that line.
    "Suicide prevention, I'm here to help"
    He said "Have you ever heard the screams of hell?"
    Was this a prank? I couldn't tell
    "Sir, what do you mean, let's speak rationally"
    He spoke back rather passionately
    nice pacing in the dialogue here, I'm interested
    to see where it's going..
    "Hell is filled with people just like you
    Running through forever confused
    Before their fears tear them in two
    Like when you were sixteen and your mom died
    I remember the scene, I was by your side
    I balled up your fists as you cried
    The solution was clear: homicide
    All I had to do was guide your little mind
    "Your mom's gone, but that drunk driver's still alive"
    You prepared, snuck out late at night
    You weren't just looking for a fight
    No, no you wanted revenge that would bite
    So you decided to set his home alight
    Not realizing that he had a family inside
    You didn't even know until you saw the news, horrified"
    Interesting turn of events..... I'm assuming (from the lore I've seen)
    that the person on the other end of the phone is demon, that or
    this conversation is one that is happening within?
    I sat at my desk baffled, the man cackled
    I'd never told a soul, "How did-"
    "I know all, now shut the fuck up kid
    Now imagine reliving this
    The feeling in your stomach as it fell into a pit
    Welcome to hell, the gates are glistening
    But I have a way out", I was listening
    Ah, so i was right? Also I like how you compared
    Hell to reliving a choice you wish you hadn't made
    kind of reminds me of Eugene on Preacher, where
    when he is in Hell he has to relive that whole scene
    with him and the girl over and over.
    "In front of you is some paper, don't make me repeat
    Make me your savior, sign your name to that sheet
    Thoughts of hell you may sever
    I can make you live forever
    You'll make the right choice, you're clever
    All I need is your everlasting soul
    But what's a soul to someone who won't grow old"
    So he's signing the contract for his soul ?
    I didn't see that one coming..
    I looked down at the paper I didn't recall getting
    My knees locked, cold sweat, face hot, fitting
    Slowly the fear had grown in my mind
    What other choice did I have but to sign?
    "Nice doing business with you"
    I like the scene setting with the first two lines
    also like the "face hot, fitting" implying that
    not only is he(you) under duress and immense
    pressure, he is also under the influence/presence
    of something Supernatural.

    A click, I ran home face pale blue
    In my hurry, tires screeched, I almost ran a stop sign
    I was inches from being clobbered by a semi
    But my car had seemed to stop itself
    Maybe I did cheat my way out of hell?
    But look at my life it's hard to tell
    by total coincidence, I posted something old of mine
    that had a similar scene in it, that's amazing because
    I hadn't even read this piece yet. Also I like how it's
    questionable what saved him, dumb luck or divine
    intervention?
    That happened in 04, in 05 my child died at 4
    In 06 my wife walked out the door
    In 07 my father complained that his throat was sore
    Throat cancer, perfectly healthy the month before
    So many deaths, at this point I'm keeping score
    Tried Suicide, what for?
    noose broke before the chair hit the floor
    Whoa that took a dark ass turn real quick.
    I'm not sure if it was intentional, but turning the story in
    a 180 direction was kind of brilliant. Went from suicide
    prevention to attempting suicide... but also can't die?
    what a miserable loop to be stuck in. definitely starting
    to empathize.
    Can you see the demons?
    I can see em

    "Jabez Stone: What does it mean here, about my soul?

    Mr. Scratch: Why should that worry you? A soul? A soul is nothing. Can you see it, smell it, touch it? No. This soul, *your* soul, are nothing against seven years of good luck. You'll have money and all that money can buy."
    I like how you brought the "Can you see the demons?" back around and the quote kind of tied everything up in a nice little bow
    in what would essentially be the reasoning behind selling one's soul (it's an intangible object that you can't use).
    I liked this story alot Treach. (gonna work on your sig sometime today btw)


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