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  1. #1
    The Dr. Ness's Avatar
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    Awards Verified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of UsStaff

    October [RX] --- Vlad

    Place holder till the rules are edited back in.

    Still due Oct 31st 11:59 pm PST

    Lines limit: 16 min 34 max

    October topic:


    All submissions go in "Open Mic" section with [RX] at the beginning of your title.

  2. #2
    sultan of syntax wes ghost's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of UsStaff
    ​THE WINNER
    is @Vlad



    The audio thing just didn't end up happening for October. I will reign it in a bit and flex a bit more control of it for November. I apologize for all the reminders in Discord for the writers, but not having the same sense of urgency for the results. Alas, all we can do is move up.



    The OVERALL rankings were as follows:


    1. Vlad
    2. @Nigma
    3. @Enoch
    4. @Vammy


    It was definitely disputed. Here are the notes from @Ness, @Sammy and myself. Keep in mind.....from here on out this will be done through a recorded audio session. This is just being handled this way to keep things movindag along. I just want to say a huge thank you and WORD UP to the participants....Vammy, you were up against 3 contenders for any league's championship spot. In my book, i had you tied for 3rd. Not saying that for points, but I'm saying it to let you know that you never know what kinda day someone is having, and the ability to beat ANYONE is right around the corner. What is difficult for some of the newer writers it that your competition is a collection of the BEST topical writers on the internet...hands down. SO, kudos homey. And kudos to the rest of you. Totally different approaches to a sincere topic. Was an honor and absolute blast to read/judge this.

    Yes, vlad won but as you can see from the votes, it's not cause he is 1/2 of WL....it's cause the judges deemed it so. Not saying anyone is thinking anything shady....but just wanted to jump in front of it in case anyone was lowkey thinking it.

    ON WITH THE NOTESZSZSZSZS!!!!


    SAMMY:


    Vlad
    Plot: a story about an ex convict who is finally released from jail. What he faces on the outside world is colder than life in the prison

    Theme: a cautionary tale about the ramifications of violence. Using an inmate’s plight to draw the complex web of effect that touches everyone.
    Positive: the story is clear as day. Wordings were perfect. Imagery was great and flow was top tier for sure. The organization that went into this has to be noted. Strong concept and even stronger execution

    Negative: originality. “The crime is bad” parable has been explored on multiple venues of art.

    Enoch
    Plot: a once promising artist, now a vagabond, sits on the park bench. What follows an introspective look at the darker side of the American Dream.Theme. Dark humor seems to be the approach. The first few lines paints a cynical view of idealistic agendas.

    Strength: the strength of this piece lies it it’s contained poignancy. By that I mean it utilizes one moment to really paint dimensions to the character, giving it life. now I just sit on this park bench to see what I can see and breathe amongst people more successful then me trying to read their faces, or catch a glimpse of their mind so I can find a thought with more substance in it then mine or maybe just to help me remember the times. This was fresh because its describing something so casual. A bum watching people. But i like to assess it as a person who aches to be what he once was. Its subtle but powerful. And it was the perspective that was drawn that gave readers the peek.

    Weakness: i felt it dragged a bit in the earlier portion. Luckily it was pushed along by slick wording and exceptional schemes.

    Nigma
    Plot: I’m a bit lost on the plot to be honest. As the title suggested, it may have been a drunken rant of someone.


    Theme: This may have been some kind of social commentary. There were hints at religion. Corporate greed. Various other facet of the social climate.

    Strength: the flow was superb. I think of the 4 pieces, this was technically strongest. Its no surprise as NIgma is a absolute beast in that area.

    Weakness: the central idea. Maybe i’m just not that bright but i coudn’t figure out who this guy was. Was he lucifer? I felt the juxtaposing of traditional narrative and layered language may have been a bit too ambitious for this piece. Ultimately i just couldn’t figure out what (or rather whom) it was about.

    Vammy
    Plot: not a plot in the traditional. Similar to Nigma, more so a commentary. The narrator wove some interesting perspective on our penchant for conflict.

    Theme: various themes were touched upon. Zealotry. Weapons. Politic. Education was also slightly noted as a backdrop for inevitable fracas.

    Strength: the clarity of the verse was the strength. With so much going on, the further you read, the more you began to see that the underlying notion is society was built on conflict.

    Weakness: the flow was a bit choppy in places. The “ee” scheme that dictates the majority of the piece got a bit repetitive. I was never a fan of rhyming suffixes like -ly or ‘ion type scheme.


    [
    Verdict:
    I felt all four pieces displayed different styles; As they should. Vlad went the traditional narrative. Enoch went the character sketch route. Nigma was heavier in abstract while Vammy took stock in full-on commentary. It certainly comes to preference here. I’m a fan of character sketch. Furthermore, i appreciate a contained setting where the focus is the character. So initially, Enoch was my fav, but the overall effort and thought behind Vlad’s piece really won me over, here. The callback from the opening to the ending really finished the piece off in haunting fashion. So upon multiple reads, i have to give my 1st place to Vlad. But damn if ‘noch is but a mere millimeter behind. I think his piece had my favorite “moment”. The soliloquy about being among the elite….again. Nigma had the best flow (which he usually does) but the story was lost on me. Vammy came with his usual fiery gumption but lacked the voice of the other 3.

    Order of preference
    Vlad
    Enoch
    Nigma
    vammy



    NESS:


    Vammy- “War”
    Rating: 5/10
    Flow was precise af. Enjoyed the message portrayed here and if he cleaned up his wording & expanded his writing length and idea wise he could be a real threat here.


    Nigma - Auchentoshan Confessions
    Rating: 7/10
    
Jesus. This was clean as fuck to read. Really enjoyed how he told the story so confidently. Biggest problem is the ending but the first two lines make up for it.


    Enoch - Pursuit to No Where`
    Rating: 6/10
    thinking my music will soar w/ just one more stroke of a pen but like a joke never recorded a bar or even wrote one again’ this right here is super relevant haha. There was a lot of confusion as some writers thought it was a two part topic here even though it was only the picture, this piece fucking screams pathetic though almost to the point where i wish it was part of the topic. It started a bit shaky as far as flow goes but it got better as it went on.


    Vlad - Time Waits For No Man
    Rating: 8/10
    Again with the pathetic theme. This was fire from beginning to end with the story line as you could actually feel his emotion of self hate swell as his son’s perception of his father being a pathetic piece of shit and wanting nothing to do with him. From beginning to end, I very much enjoyed this.


    Overall rank:
    Vlad 8/10
    Nigma 7/10
    Enoch 6/10
    Vammy 5/10




    WES GHOST:

    VLAD -
    Loved the overall heavy vibe of this. It wasn't rhyme heavy or very intricate as far as schemes go, which was fine with me. I don't really get the connection to the topic very much except that "time waits for no man" is a great title for the story told as well as a name for the given photo. That being said, I don't see the photo in the story...just the title.


    There was some clunky lines here and there but honestly they were completely trumped by the content and lack of meaningless filler. Really exceptional, heavy piece.




    NIGMA -
    First bar is too ill. Sheesh. Rest of the section hits hard for me. I thought the slants were well used and helped create a very "nigma" vibe. The content is legit and the flow was right on, even with the extended syllables in the 3rd line.


    OMG this next section is fucking fire. The understory bar is insane. Godbless you
    Hyped facade/unrighteous fraud was just fucking awesome. The lines that follow, in suit, are all incredible and some of the best lines i've read in a minute. The tours/drawers/stores lines are reallllllly well written, but without a linebreak after them, I guess i was searching for that 4th line in the scheme.


    Dude...these next lines. The fucking depth is insane. The comets tips/rocks to give lines are brilliant. Like straight genius.


    LOL @ the last bar. Sick way to end it. The tie in with 'bitter'/'lack of sweetness'/'without the chocolates' wasn't lost on me. Made me laugh and was well executed. I had seen the forest gump reference before i had read the whole piece and thought that it was gonna ruin everything, lol. But after reading the whole piece, it didn't. As gnarly and sad as some of the descriptions are, the brilliant wordplay/wording in general held me in such a state of being awestruck that the wordplay in the last bar just felt right. I was more wrapped up in the writing than the intended emotion of the piece. I mean, this is just nutty writing man. The kind of shit i want to write everytime i grab the pen. Kudos.






    ENOCH -
    Technically, the word would read as "bathes" in the 6th line, and, thus, destroy the end rhyme, but I get that it's obviously supposed to be baths. Scheme was bananas at the beginning! Though, with it happening right away, there was no chance for true rhythm/flow, imo. By the time he starts talking about writing/recording...the rhythm is full blown in the pocket and hits like a bag of bricks. It's really well written, from a rhythmic perspective. Should have been "substance in it THAN mine". The end rhymes in this section are fucking awesome. LOL @ the cat line.


    This was very direct and well portrayed. Oddly enough, with the whole no depth joke, this lacked depth but didn't seem to be focused on it, which is fine. Regardless of how sad the man's tale/life is, the wording/slang kept me from feeling any real emotion if im being honest. I thought the flow was stellar though and it was a super easy/approachable read.




    VAMMY -
    Wow, great showing here. The repetitive end rhyme scheme ended up feeling like too much, to me personally, by the end of the piece. It almost started to feel easy, tbh. I thought the content itself was great though. I'd love to see more effort go into a more consistent written rhythm/flow....whether it come from adjusting line length or syllable count or both.....even using line breaks could help the reader actually read it a bit more like the way you're intending. I thought the social parallels were fantastic man. Some really heavy lines in here regarding not being able to escape destiny....and then the realization that we've kinda fucked that up. Was short but sweet. The sand to glass line was my fav image you layed into. Nice writing.




    1. Nigma
    2. vlad/enoch
    3. Vammy/vlad/enoch





    There you have it, putos! The unedited notes that we all took while reading them....

    Can't wait to see what November has in store for us! GOOD LUCK!!

    BIG UPS TO VLAD FOR TAKING IT!
    Last edited by wes ghost; 11-13-2017 at 09:47 PM.







    r.i.p. jonny & luna
    cloak&dagger


  3. #3
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us
    Verse


    Time Waits For No Man

    Prologue


    "Get the fuckin' money! Let's go!"

    Sam's screams echoed, bouncing between the banks marbled walls,
    My chest pounds; heart vibrating like a hardened squall.
    Our timing was perfect, we knew the span from the start,
    To this day I still can't see where the plan came apart.
    One second in charge, calm, the next one blurring the silence,
    I can still picture the look on his face when we first heard all the sirens.
    We were quickly surrounded, Sam pulled a pistol, "I'm taking my way out,"
    The last thing I saw was him on the floor with the gun in his mouth...

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A metallic clink echoes, springing me out of my bed,
    Splashing water on my face, shaking, I try to gather my head,
    Some days I'd rather be dead, though, never made an attempt,
    Passing time in my mind, where I've been jaded, condemned.
    A guard approaches, as my steel bars begin to open,
    "Rise and shine, we've got some news, time to get in motion."
    Confused in clouded notions, I can't read what he's going to say,
    My thoughts are quickly answered "You're going home today."


    An Hour Later


    Beyond barbed barricades the suns radiance beams brighter,
    No clouds on the horizon, the sky's ceiling seems higher,
    Yet, I feel somethings missing, as I glance around the lot,
    There's nobody waiting, is there a chance that they forgot?
    But, the warden said he called - wait, is this taxi really mine?
    He's stopped, window down, calling "Where we goin, guy?"
    Taking one last look around, I have no option but to leave,
    Never thought this day would come, it's much worse than I believed.

    Pulling up to an address I'd recalled from my memory;
    It's run down, silent - completely drained of all energy.
    Hesitantly approaching, I ring the bell on the side of the door,
    As peripherally I notice a rock holding a note on the porch.
    Curiosity conquers, sitting to read it, I feel startled, raw,
    My chest pounds; heart vibrating like a hardened squall.

    "Jim,

    We're not here, and have no interest in seeing you,
    Growing up, I could clearly see myself being you,
    Until the day you were taken away. You don't realize what we lost,
    Don't contact us. Was it worth it? Because this is what it cost.

    Sincerely,

    No Son Of Yours"



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