User Tag List

Thanks Thanks:  1
Likes Likes:  1
Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    An Writer
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    36
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    8 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Awards Member of SocietyVerified VoterOne Of UsStaff

    Man of Tomorrow


    Man Of Tomorrow

    Metropolis 3017 A.D.

    Its been years since violence was vanquished
    a time where truth and justice constitute a pious position
    now a recluse...i drift in quiet conviction
    hoping and praying somewhere...
    somehow...crime still exist. Then...


    I suit up, not for power prestige...but in hours of need
    as others cower and bend...to the power and plead
    a thousand defeats. in past they would shout for the League
    as eyes of profusive cries drew a sigh of relief
    smiles would cease. father time working his splendor
    friends, apprehended; blessing? well, now they’re in peace
    i’m showered in grief; the world is empty and vacant
    image parade in makeshifts lace with sentiments. maybe..
    i was made to rule this baby blue orb through the ages
    arctic wind whispers silent cries, harboring hatred
    walking aimlessly...gone...all is gone or is taken
    i would ponder the days when Bruce and Robin were chasing
    lunatics through the roof then split; Gotham was crazy
    Flash was a character, lol, king of quips; that little shit!
    sure his foot-speed was fast...but not as quick as his wits

    ...a sudden twitch in the distance
    my attention was fixed
    super sense detecting movement
    through a blanket of mist..


    Miss was an understatement, she was a product of legend
    neither Gogs nor Guardians would dare this Goddess descendant
    And its hard to imagine - in all her fiery Wonder
    Diana long for all the simple charms that life had to offer
    To call her “Wife”...i am honored...”Despite my iron facade...
    i solemnly swear to hold you....in highest regards..”

    A surge of energy cleared the cob,
    complacency spun
    as i peered into the dark,
    prospect of chase has begun...


    We were more than just Avengers, but a League of our own!
    breathing adversity and even as a team we would grow!
    Adrenaline pumping! cause we’re fighting for something!!
    IGNITING....collective fire as we fight the injustice!!
    Don’t give a fuck if its Darkseid or some pyro-kinetic!!
    we would rise against the vilest type, applying our gifts, but..

    ….BUT
    i knew it was nothing; its all just pretend
    as loneliness grabs a hold of us
    enthralled by the “when”
    appalled in the least
    moonwalking to past glories
    for some solace and sense
    of self-worth...
    cause i’m honestly spent
    but throughout the
    contemplation
    i would find
    myself
    whis
    per
    in
    g

    “faster than speeding bullets
    leaping the tallest buildings...”


    ...now its leap of faith; a strand of hope i’d foolishly tugged..
    heavy hearts are burden; hmm...so much for super strength, huh?
    tonight i rest my cape in peace and though my part isn’t certain
    just understand even a Superman needs to walk with a purpose

  2. Thanks Rude thanked for this post
    Likes Rude liked this post
  3. #2
    Maestro of Multis
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    Gulf Coast
    Posts
    53
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    15 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Awards Member of SocietyVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of UsStaff
    Man Of Tomorrow

    Metropolis 3017 A.D.

    Its been years since violence was vanquished
    a time where truth and justice constitute a pious position
    now a recluse...i drift in quiet conviction
    hoping and praying somewhere...
    somehow...crime still exist. Then...
    First of all this makes so much sense, because a thousand years from now?
    man Superman would have seen the rise and fall of several generations.
    people that he knew are distant memories, so it stands to reason that
    he would alienate himself from the world, as he is stuck in a cycle of watching
    the people he cares about - grow old & die and nothing he can do to save them.

    I suit up, not for power prestige...but in hours of need
    as others cower and bend...to the power and plead
    a thousand defeats. in past they would shout for the League
    ah love the JL nod there. and the first line is awesome.


    as eyes of profusive cries drew a sigh of relief
    smiles would cease. father time working his splendor
    friends, apprehended; blessing? well, now they’re in peace
    i’m showered in grief; the world is empty and vacant
    image parade in makeshifts lace with sentiments. maybe..
    i was made to rule this baby blue orb through the ages
    ^^^ just what I was saying about distancing himself because of his immortality.

    arctic wind whispers silent cries, harboring hatred
    walking aimlessly...gone...all is gone or is taken
    i would ponder the days when Bruce and Robin were chasing
    lunatics through the roof then split; Gotham was crazy
    Flash was a character, lol, king of quips; that little shit!
    sure his foot-speed was fast...but not as quick as his wits
    first line was a nod to his 'arctic breath' power? (sometimes they just say freeze breath though)
    love the other JL member mentions, especially Flash. I remember watching cartoons where
    Superman would be in doubt and need to think about something, so he'd play Flash in a game
    of chest in FF motion because flash was the only one who could think as quick as him.

    ...a sudden twitch in the distance
    my attention was fixed
    super sense detecting movement
    through a blanket of mist..
    I like the sense of excitement you captured here



    Miss was an understatement, she was a product of legend
    neither Gods nor Guardians would dare this Goddess descendan
    (well aside from Cyborg who I am sure would be a government weapon by then and
    possibly Aquaman who probably never leaves the sea at this point)
    And its hard to imagine - in all her fiery Wonder
    Diana long for all the simple charms that life had to offer
    To call her “Wife”...i am honored...”Despite my iron facade...
    i solemnly swear to hold you....in highest regards..”
    omg I totally shipped this relationship thru the whole new 52 til they retconned it.
    but in your setting it makes even more sense because they'd be the only 2 left
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/x81VXl7RaQBwc/giphy.gif

    A surge of energy cleared the cob,
    complacency spun
    as i peered into the dark,
    prospect of chase has begun...
    nice pacing

    We were more than just Avengers, but a League of our own!
    breathing adversity and even as a team we would grow!
    Adrenaline pumping! cause we’re fighting for something!!
    IGNITING....collective fire as we fight the injustice!!
    Don’t give a fuck if its Darkseid or some pyro-kinetic!!
    we would rise against the vilest type, applying our gifts, but..
    haha @ the first line. JL >> Avengers anyday.

    ….BUT
    i knew it was nothing; its all just pretend
    as loneliness grabs a hold of us
    enthralled by the “when”
    appalled in the least
    moonwalking to past glories
    for some solace and sense
    of self-worth...
    cause i’m honestly spent
    but throughout the
    contemplation
    i would find
    myself
    whis
    per
    in
    g
    love how you wound everything down here
    and the structure is not lost on me.


    “faster than speeding bullets
    leaping the tallest buildings...”


    ...now its leap of faith; a strand of hope i’d foolishly tugged..
    heavy hearts are burden; hmm...so much for super strength, huh?
    tonight i rest my cape in peace and though my part isn’t certain
    just understand even a Superman needs to walk with a purpose
    love the ending here.
    throughout the histories of superman comics/tv shows you always see lois/lana
    (once they know who he is and what he can do) try to leave him like 'the world
    needs you more than I do' and i'd be mad like 'what if you're the only reason he
    wants to save the world stupid?!'

    .... so yeah... obviously this was a homerun for me on the personal side
    but even on the technical side you had beautiful language and emotion with
    a great sense of storytelling, being able to jump from present to past from one
    line to the next.


  4. #3
    An Writer
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    36
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    8 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Awards Member of SocietyVerified VoterOne Of UsStaff
    @Rude, u are a legend, my friend

  5. #4
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    158
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    8 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us

    Man Of Tomorrow


    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    Man Of Tomorrow

    Metropolis 3017 A.D.

    Its been years since violence was vanquished
    a time where truth and justice constitute a pious position
    now a recluse...i drift in quiet conviction
    hoping and praying somewhere...
    somehow...crime still exist. Then...
    Good time setting and opening here. Can't say that I'm a huge superhero fan in general or caught up on things so I might miss some references along the way, don't judge me for that =D
    This opening intrigues me, though, sort of always a 'back thought' of some sort of 'what happens when a hero's job is 'done'' sort of thing.
    Not sure I'm 100% behind what I'm assuming is the rhyme between 'quiet conviction' & 'crime still exist. Then'. It works in a sense, but I feel like 'exist' should be plural to be grammatically correct. Just minor picking at that. And not even, really, I'm like 95% behind it, but had to mention it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    I suit up, not for power prestige...but in hours of need
    as others cower and bend...to the power and plead
    a thousand defeats. in past they would shout for the League
    as eyes of profusive cries drew a sigh of relief
    smiles would cease. father time working his splendor
    friends, apprehended; blessing? well, now they’re in peace
    i’m showered in grief; the world is empty and vacant
    image parade in makeshifts lace with sentiments. maybe..
    i was made to rule this baby blue orb through the ages
    arctic wind whispers silent cries, harboring hatred
    walking aimlessly...gone...all is gone or is taken
    i would ponder the days when Bruce and Robin were chasing
    lunatics through the roof then split; Gotham was crazy
    Flash was a character, lol, king of quips; that little shit!
    sure his foot-speed was fast...but not as quick as his wits
    Smooth flow, love the opening scheme work of this, the scheme transition and the content to continue the storyline. Not sure how I feel about the last 3ish lines here - 'Gotham was crazy, Flash was a character, lol, king of quips; that little shit! sure his foot-speed was fast...but not as quick as his wits'

    Kind of took on a light/comedic tone, which I don't mind, I just wasn't expecting it after the more serious wording and the imagery prior. That's just me, though, and I'm not overly against it, just sort of in the middle.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    ...a sudden twitch in the distance
    my attention was fixed
    super sense detecting movement
    through a blanket of mist..
    Ok, so you presented the lightheartedness, then used it to draw intrigue with this section, I feel you, and that was well done. I gotchuuuuuuuu.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    Miss was an understatement, she was a product of legend
    neither Gogs nor Guardians would dare this Goddess descendant
    And its hard to imagine - in all her fiery Wonder
    Diana long for all the simple charms that life had to offer
    To call her “Wife”...i am honored...”Despite my iron facade...
    i solemnly swear to hold you....in highest regards..”
    Like the play from mist to miss, clever. Diana longS*? 'Life had to offer'/'wife I am honored' was a nice touch. Nice section here, like how you're breaking this piece up the way you did.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    A surge of energy cleared the cob,
    complacency spun
    as i peered into the dark,
    prospect of chase has begun...
    Oddly enough, these little break sections are my favorite parts so far. Nothing against the rest obviously but love the break up and the sense of urgency you've conveyed in these.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    We were more than just Avengers, but a League of our own!
    breathing adversity and even as a team we would grow!
    Adrenaline pumping! cause we’re fighting for something!!
    IGNITING....collective fire as we fight the injustice!!
    Don’t give a fuck if its Darkseid or some pyro-kinetic!!
    we would rise against the vilest type, applying our gifts, but..
    Not sure I'm a fan of 'Don't give a fuck', I get the feeling you're conveying with using that but I'm not sure it really fits with the rest of the tone of the piece. Do like the references that I've been able to pick up, and the glances at the past.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    ….BUT
    i knew it was nothing; its all just pretend
    as loneliness grabs a hold of us
    enthralled by the “when”
    appalled in the least
    moonwalking to past glories
    for some solace and sense
    of self-worth...
    cause i’m honestly spent
    but throughout the
    contemplation
    i would find
    myself
    whis
    per
    in
    g
    Well, on second read of this section I read it as I would a paragraph or sentence rather than trying to put a flow to it. I see the rhymes in there but I think the way you broke it up hurt that a bit, example: 'i knew it was nothing; its all just pretend, as loneliness grabs a hold of us, enthralled by the “when”' It definitely works this way, but my habit was to pause after 'grabs a hold of us'.

    Same with - 'moonwalking to past glories, for some solace and sense of self-worth...cause i’m honestly spent'

    The way I read it, 'for some solace and sense' seemed to be the end of the train of thought there, and the wording is...to me the way you worded that felt to me like it should have been the end of the 'sentence'.

    Content was solid here, though, a good consistency throughout the piece in terms of that. Like the emotion change, as I mentioned, with the break ups of the piece.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    “faster than speeding bullets
    leaping the tallest buildings...”

    ...now its leap of faith; a strand of hope i’d foolishly tugged..
    heavy hearts are burden; hmm...so much for super strength, huh?
    tonight i rest my cape in peace and though my part isn’t certain
    just understand even a Superman needs to walk with a purpose
    'heavy hearts are burden; hmm...so much for super strength, huh?' < Nice. Yuuup.
    Really liked how you ended this, tbh, felt it was a great way to close and it brought the whole consistency of the content around full tilt.

    So, really, only small issues I had was the break up of that second to last section, and that said, when I read it without trying to pick up a flow or scheme it was well done content wise so it's really not an issue for me.

    Liked this piece as a whole, I do think you jumped around a little bit in terms of where you were going with the story, though (I'm a big fan of the smaller sections) it brought itself around so I really can't complain a whole lot. Well done =D

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
◮ Top