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  1. #1
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us

    Round 2: Ocktavius [1] vs. [2] Diasick - Open For Votes



    Welcome to Round 2 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    Krowned Kris


    VS.


    Diasick




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]


    CHECK INS ARE DUE BY FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15TH@11:59PM PST


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3RD @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Vlad; 01-04-2018 at 11:49 PM.

  2. #2
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    Awards Staff
    1...............................

  3. #3
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    I'm guessing this was mix of both of our choices and I was really trying for 3 badly... So let's come to a healthy medium... My next choice was 4 (also a part of my other battle), but my next choice is 2...
    So 3, 4, 2, 1

    So if you can't get 1... What's your next chouce my dude?

  4. #4
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    Edgar Allen Poe is fine and all, but I'm not trying to write something autobiographical... I want somethibg fictious and I feel if I write for the king of darkness... It'll he about him/baseline on him... I want something that doesn't start with a blueprint.

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    I already wrote a lot of shit to one. I'm fine with 3.

    I don't want to think on the topic much, lets just pick one.

  6. #6
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    So three it is, sorry bout that

  7. #7
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    Vulgar Dreams

    I never went too deep, the unmarked grave was a cover.
    Nixed the structure, because I was finished off by a gunner.
    got a roof over my head, with my brains, splattered on the gutter.
    Below zero, I wonít make it to summer, I was spotted by a hunter.

    My days are numbered, didnít believe the threat, I was stubborn.
    The vulgar dreams will discolor, all the beauty in life I discovered.
    I was never right to begin with, so itís impossible to recover.
    Iím always blocked by a buffer, then my heart increases itís flutter.

    These vulgar dreams seem real life, itís almost like theyíre lucid.
    I forgot the good ones, and always remember the most gruesome.
    Illusive...hopes that the nightmares, wouldnít become a nuisance.
    In my dreams, itís a common theme, and the noose is exclusive.

    In this state until I break, I want to sleep so I can avoid the hurt.
    Decisions will destroy me, I got to sort through the choices first.
    Organise that annoying curse, that lurks, voids what works.
    This vulgar dream is a spoiler alert, if the poison gets worse.

    Dreams uncover the worse, or emulate a heavy incident.
    Nightmares try to bring me down but Iím already impotent.
    Sleeping before sunset, Iím holding on to my steady innocents.
    Self induced coma, conned my way out of a deadly predicament.

    Diagnosed with sleep apnea, what day is today? canít keep track.
    Brought the new year in, bedridden, I was in a deep nap.
    I keep getting sick, maybe I should start cleaning the cpap.
    Before I relapse and the monsters from my dream, sneak back.

    I locked them away once, but Iím the one that seems trapped.
    Feeling like I sleep my life away, as Iím watching it ease past.
    Talk like Iím in a therapist office, and Iím waiting for feedback.
    This was hard to write, wait a minute, did I dream that?

    Why did I go down this path? clearly I regret the misery.
    nightmares are killing me, canít say the stress is mystery.
    No out of body experience, just a fucking mess that enters me.
    I complain about vulgar dreams, but last time it repressed a memory.

    I want nightmares to last longer.. Iím embarrassed to mention it.
    escaping reality, scared of the imminent, itís an inherited benefit.
    These dreams are medicine, you can compare them to a stimulant.

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  9. #8
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    Awards PhilanthropistOne Of Us



    (Living Life To) Break Through

    Last night I lay down and slowly closed my eyes,
    And was transported through the eternal skies,
    Only to wake up and discover that logic defied,
    The infernal space in which I restlessly rised.
    A world wickedly waxing in every direction I spied,
    I quickly came to the realization I had died.

    How did I get here?

    As I release my body and limply let my head roll back,
    At first I fondly see nothing but waves of eternal black,
    But then through the fog, an echo of Elysium emerges,
    Off in the distance, a spectacular spectral scene resurges,
    Every night I see this place from afar when I dream,
    But my hopes are crushed by the vast cosmos in between.

    How do I get there?

    Thunderously the ether parts and a careening conduit appears,
    A path to the palace, been dreaming of stepping onto it for years,
    One foot on the precious passage and my mind explodes,
    I pull the other hoof up, and everything around me erodes,
    I stir, and from the dust in a mysterious tunnel I'm enclosed,
    The only thought on my mind is where in the world that it goes.

    What lies ahead?

    All around the walls emanate with remnants of a meek past,
    Ephemerally distant memory segment and streak by in a flash,
    Without a modicum of interest I frolic on down the peculiar path,
    Never one to look behind or around, purely focusing the forecast,
    As I continue through the corridor tormented by torrents everlast,
    Taunting temptations and promises, the end warrants a light everlast.

    Have I made it?

    As I converge on the conclusion of this teasing tunnel of terror,
    Hoping no longer to be pummeled by this overwhelming oversharer,
    Will my search lead me to a place that is pleasantly fairer,
    I put my best foot forward, to be my destiny declarer.

    What have I done?

    The beckoning beacon begins to ripple, and abruptly pulls me through,
    I helplessly plummet past the pale portal, suddenly wishing to undo,
    For what I had always most wanted at long last had come true,
    But not all is well in finally achieving what I always wanted to do,
    I am lost without cause, and of what lies ahead I have no clue,
    I hit the ground hard, and after a long sleep, I finally come to.

    Live life in the future, and you are destined to relive the past

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  11. #9
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us
    So voters know, both of these writers opponents did not show up, so this battle was thrown together last minute. The topics were similar enough to justify it.

    Topics were:

    Dia - Vulgar Dreams (his title)
    Ocktavius - Picture above his verse.

  12. #10
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    Awards Verified VoterOne Of UsStaff
    Dia

    Vulgar Dreams

    I never went too deep, the unmarked grave was a cover.
    Nixed the structure, because I was finished off by a gunner.
    got a roof over my head, with my brains, splattered on the gutter.
    Below zero, I won’t make it to summer, I was spotted by a hunter.
    Adding 'the' before "summer" would have made this stanza flawless. Other than that tiny suggestion, fucking bravo, Dia.

    My days are numbered, didn’t believe the threat, I was stubborn.
    The vulgar dreams will discolor, all the beauty in life I discovered.
    I was never right to begin with, so it’s impossible to recover.
    I’m always blocked by a buffer, then my heart increases it’s flutter.
    Cadence
    Flow
    Wording
    And
    Tone

    Check x4. I'm digging this verse thus far.

    These vulgar dreams seem real life, it’s almost like they’re lucid.
    I forgot the good ones, and always remember the most gruesome.
    Illusive...hopes that the nightmares, wouldn’t become a nuisance.
    In my dreams, it’s a common theme, and the noose is exclusive.
    You seem to be experiencing a lot of vulgar dreams that are alluding to your untimely demise and full of things that symbolize a certain death. Interesting.

    In this state until I break, I want to sleep so I can avoid the hurt.
    Decisions will destroy me, I got to sort through the choices first.
    Organise that annoying curse, that lurks, voids what works.
    This vulgar dream is a spoiler alert, if the poison gets worse.
    The wording is good and this stanza would be pretty nice if it were a stand alone, but as part of a greater whole it seems a little repetitive content wise, like a different variation of what I've already read in this verse.

    Dreams uncover the worse, or emulate a heavy incident.
    Nightmares try to bring me down but I’m already impotent.
    The wording is dope. Very concise and meticulously choosen and incoperated. Also, the flow/scheme fits right within the meter.

    Sleeping before sunset, I’m holding on to my steady innocents.
    Self induced coma, conned my way out of a deadly predicament.

    Diagnosed with sleep apnea, what day is today? can’t keep track.
    Brought the new year in, bedridden, I was in a deep nap.
    Dope. You're putting the words together like a puzzle. The only thing I wasn't completely sold on was "sleep apnea" which is primarily caused by sleep deprivation and stress and it's effects will have you in the opposite state of a coma. Unless of course you don't fight it and allow yourself to slip into a state of astral projection.

    I keep getting sick, maybe I should start cleaning the cpap.
    Before I relapse and the monsters from my dream, sneak back.
    Dope.

    I locked them away once, but I’m the one that seems trapped.
    Don't do it, Dia. Don't kill us with the rhymes. Fire.

    Feeling like I sleep my life away, as I’m watching it ease past.
    Talk like I’m in a therapist office, and I’m waiting for feedback.
    This was hard to write, wait a minute, did I dream that?
    In the pocket.

    Why did I go down this path? clearly I regret the misery.
    nightmares are killing me, can’t say the stress is mystery.
    No out of body experience, just a fucking mess that enters me.
    I complain about vulgar dreams, but last time it repressed a memory.
    Bruh ... Who's on fire?

    The wording is dope as fuck. The tone and pacing is perfect. And the sleep related references help bring the concept to life and make it seem legit.

    I want nightmares to last longer.. I’m embarrassed to mention it.
    escaping reality, scared of the imminent, it’s an inherited benefit.
    These dreams are medicine, you can compare them to a stimulants
    Dope.

    Okay, so overall, I didn't get much of a plotline from this. It was more so an exposition describing your dreams that kind of played off the whole "vulgar" theme, so to speak. I'm not exactly sure what a 'vulgar dream" is actually suppose to be, but I think you did a great job providing us snippest of insight as to what it is to you.

    Ocktavius


    (Living Life To) Break Through

    Last night I lay down and slowly closed my eyes,
    And was transported through the eternal skies,
    Only to wake up and discover that logic defied,
    The infernal space in which I restlessly rised.
    A world wickedly waxing in every direction I spied,
    I quickly came to the realization I had died.
    Look at this, a top-tier vet masquerading as a novice. Please, someone call Scubby and the gang, so we can unmask this Ock fella once and for all.

    A truly captivating intro.

    How did I get here?

    As I release my body and limply let my head roll back,
    At first I fondly see nothing but waves of eternal black,
    But then through the fog, an echo of Elysium emerges,
    Off in the distance, a spectacular spectral scene resurges,
    Every night I see this place from afar when I dream,
    But my hopes are crushed by the vast cosmos in between.
    The content is substantial. It has my attention while putting my imagination to work. Your vocab adds to the drama and helps me paint a clearer picture in my mind. However, your rhymes are kind of flat -- well constructed, smooth even, but could use more fireworks and thrills.

    How do I get there?

    Thunderously the ether parts and a careening conduit appears,
    A path to the palace, been dreaming of stepping onto it for years,
    And just like that ... BOOOM!!! #Bottlerocketexplosion

    One foot on the precious passage and my mind explodes,
    I pull the other hoof up, and everything around me erodes,
    I stir, and from the dust in a mysterious tunnel I'm enclosed,
    The only thought on my mind is where in the world that it goes.
    Murder in the first.

    What lies ahead?

    All around the walls emanate with remnants of a meek past,
    Ephemerally distant memory segment and streak by in a flash,
    Without a modicum of interest I frolic on down the peculiar path,
    Never one to look behind or around, purely focusing the forecast,
    As I continue through the corridor tormented by torrents everlast,
    Taunting temptations and promises, the end warrants a light everlast.
    I like the inners, your assonance and what not. But, some of the vocab was a little off-putting. For instance, "frolic" is too soft a word for me personally. I don't know why. I suppose it's ultimately irrelevant in the grand scheme of the battle, but I just thought I'd voice my obnoxious opinion on that. OAN, and more seriously speaking, this section was a little underwhelmimg for me and the wording wasn't as well placed as it previously has been.

    Have I made it?

    As I converge on the conclusion of this teasing tunnel of terror,
    Hoping no longer to be pummeled by this overwhelming oversharer,
    You're getting a little heavy-handed with the alliterations. But, got damn, "overwhelming oversharer" does have a nice ring to it.

    Will my search lead me to a place that is pleasantly fairer,
    I put my best foot forward, to be my destiny declarer.

    What have I done?

    The beckoning beacon begins to ripple, and abruptly pulls me through,
    I helplessly plummet past the pale portal,
    Nice and descriptive writing. "Ripple" .. "pale portal". I Iike that.

    suddenly wishing to undo,
    For what I had always most wanted at long last had come true,
    But not all is well in finally achieving what I always wanted to do,
    I am lost without cause, and of what lies ahead I have no clue,
    What did you always want to achieve? Moreover, if you in fact did achieve this goal of yours, than why are you lost without cause? Perhaps I'm misinterpreting the point of your statements, but in my opinion they seems a little contradictory.

    I hit the ground hard, and after a long sleep, I finally come to.
    I'm not a grammar nazi. Admittedly my grammar sucks. But, and maybe I'm wrong, shouldn't that be written as "came to" instead of "come to"? I think the former reads better. Although, I'm sure you chose the latter to complete your rhyme cypher.

    Okay, so overall, this was pretty good. You definitely displayed a high level of technical awarness and your vocabulary is always a treate to observe. However, I'm not sure I completely followed the storyline to its conclusion. Were you suppose to be experiencing a lucid dream? In any case, I enjoyed the read.

    Vote -- Dia

    Reason: I thought Ock wrote a good verse. Although, his biggest stregnths were his rhyming mechanics and vocabulary, those two factors were also his biggest drawbacks. At times some of the vocab was a bit much and the alliterations may have been too cutesy in certain areas. On the flipside however, Dia kept the wording concise and near flawless from start to finish. Both stories could have used more thrills, but overall each was a good piece in its own right.

    In closing: Ock is (*cough* already) gonna be a problem.
    Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; 01-12-2018 at 04:25 AM.

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