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  1. #1
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Round 2: Vlad [0] vs. [1] SELF ACTIVATE - Open For Votes



    Welcome to Round 2 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    Vlad


    VS.


    SELF ACTIVATE




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]


    @Vlad @SELF ACTIVATE


    Chosen Topic:


    1.



    CHECK INS ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13TH@11:59PM PST


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3RD @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Vlad; 12-12-2017 at 06:33 PM.

  2. #2
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us
    Tbh, @SELF ACTIVATE, kinda dig all of these. 4,2,13, I guess, but not picky at all.

  3. #3
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    Awards Verified VoterOne Of UsStaff
    I like #1 the most, but if it's cool with you we can meet in the middle and go with #2.

  4. #4
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us
    #1 is fine with me, if you still like it, @SELF ACTIVATE

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    Awards Verified VoterOne Of UsStaff

    Location: The London Metro
    Date: November 12, 2017
    Time: 4:26 P.M.




    "Yes, Mum, I'm here ...
    I have sights on the target."


    "Agent Young ..
    prepare."


    "To be fair ..
    I was born ready."


    "Just hold your gun steady.
    This one's deadly.
    Are we clear?"


    "Very."

    "Let's make it clean, Gary.
    A single solitary shot
    right between his green pupils."


    "It's like a dream come true."

    "On the count of 3 shoot him ...
    1
    .
    .
    2
    .
    .
    "


    *PEWN*

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    I knew the usual procedure was to flee the murder scene
    and to meet for an extraction with a certain urgency
    So I placed my AR in a case that was shaped like a guitar
    Then I hastily escaped and made my way into the park
    As police cars darted towards the target I had sparked
    I marched far enough away to evade their prison bars
    But even if they'd caught me I was part of MI6
    As a top-secret agent they would never take the risk
    Of letting me be charged with a homicide or hit
    Confidentially commissioned by the British Parliament
    Once a sargeant called it in I would get a pardon quickly
    By the chief of their department who'd be barked at by an MP

    ------------------------------------------------------

    "Young, this is Mum, the extraction point has changed.
    You should race towards the market there's a party on the way
    of KGB agents -- your location has been traced."


    "There's a traitor in our ranks?"

    "As of now I can not say."

    "Always ready for a tussle."

    "If you see them don't engage.
    The civilian population can't be privy to our games ..."


    ------------------------------------------------------

    I stuffed the earpiece in my scarf
    Dumped the gun case in the pond
    Then I flung my collar up like my cover name was Bond
    Sunk a glove inside my peacoat and I clutched my BFR
    As the youngest agent ever my best weapon was my heart
    As I trotted through a flock of ugly geese and lovely swans
    Two muscle-heads encroached me on the corner of each arm
    At the moment I was touched I fucked them up with Krav Maga
    Crushed one's Adam's apple whole ... punched the other in his jaw
    With a sudden uppercut that made him stumble and then fall
    Bet they never saw it coming cos they thought I was too small
    I was taught by SAS it's not size of the dog, it's the fight & his balls
    And I'm a tiger striped pit that can bite through a log

    ------------------------------------------------------

    "Za Boy is over zerrre.
    He's about to gets avay.
    Avenge our murdid komrade
    or he'll tuuuns in his grrrave!"


    ------------------------------------------------------

    Blaired a square-headed Russian with a Dolph Lundgren face
    In less than half a second it was off to the race
    Being hawked by assassins, whom were all a disgrace
    .
    .
    [In comparisons to I ...
    Cos Agent Gary Young
    Will embarrass terrorist spies]
    .
    .
    I arrived at the market ... eyed my driver in a Porsh
    Made an 80s style dive through the opened side's door
    Their bullets ricocheted and they binged right off the car
    As we pealed off in a blaze leaving tire marks and smog!
    .
    .
    My first time on an Op and it was everything I dreamed of
    From watching James Bond, Ethan Hunt and sweet Nikita
    A keeper of the creed and I will never leak the secrets
    Of Her Majesty The Queen, the British Government or Kingdom
    I'm more than just a spy or the "unofficial" type
    I'm a clandestine knight that'll gladly give my life
    In allegiance to my country and the freedom she provides!

    ~SELF~
    Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; 01-06-2018 at 04:45 PM.

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  7. #6
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    The Ferris Wheel Of Fate

    Prologue

    I'd begged for weeks; thoughts caught in silent prayers,
    A spreading seed, it brought me spots of quiet glares.
    The sign aligned, reading 'All Welcome: Pitt's Giant Fair' ,
    I could see and hear the sirens tear, prizes awarded, smiles shared.
    Chores for neighbours; walking dogs, mowing lawns,
    I rose and set alongside the colors of dusk and dawn.
    Rustic bronze; Patient, waiting, pacing, gracious;
    "Mother, please, even an hour would make it elatious."
    Soundwave silence, she couldn't give a response,
    Until Thursday the 6th, I remember it as if a rocket had launched.

    Prancing, preaching, power peaking as we approach the park,
    Dancing, dazzling diamonds dynamically dazing with sparks.
    I jumped joyously, this trip was a jewel brought from patience,
    Now tickets in hand, my breath was an uncatchable vapor.
    "I'll be waiting," she said, taking a seat on a nearby bench,
    I barely heard her, running off between tears of joy, eyes clenched.
    Games & fun under the sun, this was the bliss I could see,
    Ride after ride, spinning and turning, yelling "I'm as free as can be!"
    The hour struck and I approached the bench, there was no one to see...
    As the words I'd yelled took on a whole new meaning to me...


    20 Years Later

    "Daddy, please, why can't we go?" Her heartfelt pleas casting shadows,
    "Honey...I can't..." Though my own words felt like a crash on my backbone.
    "That's what you always say, but never bother to tell us why"

    "Well, I guess since you're older...I, I guess I could try..."

    She called for her brother and mother, nervousness narrowed,
    "What is it sweety?" My wife asked, my chest expanding as if punctured by arrows,
    "Daddy has something to tell us." Matter-of-factly, she'd grown up so quick,
    "Yes...I think it's time..." The words struggling to form, I'd never felt so sick,
    "We're here for you." They exclaimed as I summoned my strength,
    And began upon the same journey that for 20 years I'd avoided at length.

    "I was 10, innocent, sort of, well, I'd been taking care of my mother,
    She had...issues, I never understood, but, we were still there for each other.
    I'd been pleading for weeks, just like you've done after seeing the fair,
    She'd never taken me either, and, honey, I know, this doesn't make it all fair."


    She nodded silently.

    "I'd saved up my money, worked hard to cover our costs at the front,
    See, I knew we didn't have money, so I just wanted to treat us for once.
    She finally caved and it was the happiest day I'd ever come to know,
    We packed up for the afternoon and to the fair we would go."


    "Well that sounds like fun!" My daughter whispered.

    "It was. I rode every ride, the ferris wheel was last,
    But when I got to the top, I saw something and gasped
    I saw her walking away, bag on her shoulder, head down,
    When the ride finished, I looked, but she was nowhere to be found"


    My daughter gasped slightly, covering her mouth.

    "So, honey, it brings back bad memories, carried through time"

    "That's terrible, daddy, I'm sorry, but, I promise I'll stick by your side"

    The look in her eyes broke me, she held me while I finished my cry,
    But I knew I was redeemed when I saw the look on her face when I said,
    "With you guys beside me I can't keep this burden over my head,
    At first it might be painful,"
    I look around at them all,
    "But for you guys I'll give it a try"
    Last edited by Vlad; 01-03-2018 at 06:59 PM.

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  9. #7
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    SELF ACTIVATE

    Ok first off, even if the pic didn't give away the setting
    you adding a date/time/place was great because I read
    this in my head with an accent (especially the dialogue)

    "Yes, Mum, I'm here ...
    I have sights on the target."

    "Agent Young ..
    prepare."

    "To be fair ..
    I was born ready."

    "Just hold your gun steady.
    This one's deadly.
    Are we clear?"

    "Very.
    "

    "Let's make it clean, Gary.
    A single solitary shot
    right between his green pupils."

    "It's like a dream come true."

    "On the count of 3 shoot him ...
    1
    .
    .
    2
    .
    .
    "

    *PEWN*
    So I'm sure it was intentional to throw those little slants in
    as a warm up, subtle but dope.
    I knew the usual procedure was to flee the murder scene
    and to meet for an extraction with a certain urgency
    So I placed my AR in a case that was shaped like a guitar
    Then I hastily escaped and made my way into the park
    As police cars darted towards the target I had sparked
    I marched far enough away to evade their prison bars
    But even if they'd caught me I was part of MI6
    As a top-secret agent they would never take the risk
    Of letting me be charged with a homicide or hit
    Confidentially commissioned by the British Parliament
    Once a sargeant called it in I would get a pardon quickly
    By the chief of their department who'd be barked at by an MP
    at first I was going to say "placing my AR" had a better fit and I kept trying to
    make it fit and it just didn't so word choice is on point af. Sometimes it's better
    to lose a syllable than the flow and you excelled at that in this section. There
    was just right about of polysyllabics to have the Self Activate stamp on it without
    losing the cadence/flow. Also I am liking the story so far it reminds me of
    James Bond mixed with The Kingsmen so far..
    "Young, this is Mum, the extraction point has changed.
    You should race towards the market there's a party on the way
    of KGB agents -- your location has been traced."

    "There's a traitor in our ranks?"

    "As of now I can not say."

    "Always ready for a tussle."

    "If you see them don't engage.
    The civilian population can't be privy to our games ..."
    The dialogue/rhyme/flow here is just so.. Good.

    I stuffed the earpiece in my scarf
    Dumped the gun case in the pond
    Then I flung my collar up like my cover name was Bond
    I like that the character here validates my association with Bond
    that I had at the beginning. It's like you KNEW what you were going
    to make the reader think,and then validated it with confirmation.
    Sunk a glove inside my peacoat and I clutched my BFR
    As the youngest agent ever my best weapon was my heart
    As I trotted through a flock of ugly geese and lovely swans
    Two muscle-heads encroached me on the corner of each arm
    At the moment I was touched I fucked them up with Krav Maga
    Crushed one's Adam's apple whole ... punched the other in his jaw
    With a sudden uppercut that made him stumple and then fall
    Bet they never saw it coming cos they thought I was too small
    I was taught by SAS it's not size of the dog, it's the fight & his balls
    And I'm a tiger stripped pit that can bite through a log
    haha love the analogy at the end. great action sequence here.
    The only thing worth noting is the "I fucked them up" seemed
    a bit out of place, not because of the vulgarity of it (because I
    can/have/do curse like a sailor sometimes) it doesn't seem like
    the Go-To curse for a british assassin, if that makes sense? It doesn't
    take anything away from the story/flow/scheme just noting a thought.
    "Za Boy is over zerrre.
    He's about to gets avay.
    Avenge our murdid komrade
    or he'll tuuuns in his grrrave!"
    It's impossible not to read this with Nikolai's russian accent from COD Zombies.
    Blaired a square-headed Russian with a Dolph Lundgren face
    In less than half a second it was off to the race
    Being hawked by assassins, whom were all a disgrace


    Who rhymes DOLPH LUNDGREN FACE with OFF TO THE RACE and ALL A DISGRACE?
    Self Activate does. also lol @ square-headed, reminds me of this guy :

    [In comparisons to I ...
    Cos Agent Gary Young
    Will embarrass terrorist spies]
    I like this little 3rd person narritive add-on
    I arrived at the market ... eyed my driver in a Porsh
    Made an 80s style dive through the opened side's door
    Their bullets ricocheted and they binged right off the car
    As we pealed off in a blaze leaving tire marks and smog!
    another cool action sequence.
    My first time on an Op and it was everything I dreamed of
    From watching James Bond, Ethan Hunt and sweet Nikita
    A keeper of the creed and I will never leak the secrets
    Of Her Majesty The Queen, the British Government or Kingdom
    I'm more than just a spy or the "unofficial" type
    I'm a clandestine knight that'll gladly give my life
    In allegiance to my country and the freedom she provides!
    A nice little endcap on an exhilrating sequence of action and excitement.
    I like that you also threw in Ethan Hunt/MI and Nikita because I didn't think of
    them from the jump because of the setting and auto-adjusting to accents.

    Topic Consistency/Creativity 10/10
    I mean the first thing I thought of when I seen the pic was either a detective story
    (i.e. Sherlock Holmes-eque) but this went beyond what I expected.

    Entertainment/Style 10/10
    It was thoroughly enjoyable and the style of cadence you use, just makes it read so quick
    that (although the line limit was slayed) it didn't seem like it was all that long and honestly
    I could have read more without getting bored.

    Emotion 9/10
    Now this is tricky because most people associate emotional with sadness, but this was an
    exact opposite for me it was fun to read almost like watching a movie trailer that's filled
    with all of the best action sequences. I'm only reserving that last pt because I feel like I was
    left wanting more, which is a great thing and I understand we were already over the limit but I felt slightly incomplete in this category.

    Imagery 9/10
    I mean, you said Dolph Lundgren face ..... idk how much more Imagery I needed. lol nah but foreal the imagery was dope, and I feel like the pace of the story didn't fit being able to give
    breath-taking descriptions as the main character was on the run and wouldn't have time to explain anything he saw besides immediate dangers.

    Storytelling Devices - 9/10
    So, I loved the storyline, as I said it had a Bond/Kingsmen feel to it and as you mentioned Mission Impossible/Nikita. Also as I said for Emotion - it was like watching a movie trailer
    with a lot of action sequences. So what I learned from reading this - it was the first field op for the agent, he hit his mark, there was a mole who leaked info and the KGB were on him and he has to make a quick exit. Which is dope, at the same time it feels like a single chapter of a much larger novel. It left me wanting more.

    Poetic Devices 7/10
    This seemed like a action story centered piece and the poetics weren't the main star, although they were present.

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar 10/10
    Everything was on point. I thought it was quite brilliant to write the russian dialogue words out like that so that you can automatically pick up on the accent. You'd set it up with KGB before but even if you hadn't - I would've known before getting to the 'square headed russian' line.

    Flow/Pace 10/10
    Nothing I can say about this other than flawless. you write with such an easy-to-follow cadence that it's impossible not to catch the flow.

    Rhyme Scheme 9/10
    Loved the conversational short multis in the beginning, then the action sequences and the middle dialogue. I love the ryhmes that seem so natural like you don't even notice they rhyme or catch the assonance in them until you say them outloud.

    83/90 ooooor 92.22 (92%)

    This was a great read, and I don't feel like much could have changed it for the better
    (except maybe a sequel or series???)


    VLAD

    The Ferris Wheel Of Fate

    Prologue

    I'd begged for weeks; thoughts caught in silent prayers,
    A spreading seed, it brought me spots of quiet glares.
    The sign aligned, reading 'All Welcome: Pitt's Giant Fair' ,
    I could see and hear the sirens tear, prizes awarded, smiles shared.
    Chores for neighbours; walking dogs, mowing lawns,
    I rose and set alongside the colors of dusk and dawn.
    Rustic bronze; Patient, waiting, pacing, gracious;
    "Mother, please, even an hour would make it elatious."
    Soundwave silence, she couldn't give a response,
    Until Thursday the 6th, I remember it as if a rocket had launched.
    ngl that last line gave me a good chuckle since I was JUST talking about
    the flat earth rocket being lauched on discord. Aside from that I get the idea
    that the main character is a child? Someone whose worked to make a little
    extra moneys for the fair. I can relate to that as I used to do the same thing.
    Prancing, preaching, power peaking as we approach the park,
    Dancing, dazzling diamonds dynamically dazing with sparks.


    I should have know Vlad was up to something the other night, "gimme a random letter"
    aka So I can freestyle tf outta some alliteration in this piece.
    I jumped joyously, this trip was a jewel brought from patience,
    Now tickets in hand, my breath was an uncatchable vapor.
    "I'll be waiting," she said, taking a seat on a nearby bench,
    I barely heard her, running off between tears of joy, eyes clenched.
    Games & fun under the sun, this was the bliss I could see,
    Ride after ride, spinning and turning, yelling "I'm as free as can be!"
    The hour struck and I approached the bench, there was no one to see...
    As the words I'd yelled took on a whole new meaning to me...

    Whoa that last line referencing "I'm as free as can be!" was HEAVY.
    What I noticed throughout this section is I feel like you focused harder
    on storytelling, poetic devices, imagery and emotion, which is already shaping up
    to be a hard decision later on....
    20 Years Later

    "Daddy, please, why can't we go?" Her heartfelt pleas casting shadows,
    "Honey...I can't..." Though my own words felt like a crash on my backbone.
    "That's what you always say, but never bother to tell us why"

    "Well, I guess since you're older...I, I guess I could try..."
    So novel-eqsue in the dialogue here. I feel like maybe instead of a slight stutter here,
    "I guess that I could try" would have sounded a little more fluent. But I totally understand
    the reason for the stammer.. it's mean to be a statement of holding back his own emotions.
    She called for her brother and mother, nervousness narrowed,
    "What is it sweety?" My wife asked, my chest expanding as if punctured by arrows,
    "Daddy has something to tell us." Matter-of-factly, she'd grown up so quick,
    "Yes...I think it's time..." The words struggling to form, I'd never felt so sick,
    "We're here for you." They exclaimed as I summoned my strength,
    And began upon the same journey that for 20 years I'd avoided at length.
    Nice, I like where this is going....
    "I was 10, innocent, sort of, well, I'd been taking care of my mother,
    She had...issues, I never understood, but, we were still there for each other.
    I'd been pleading for weeks, just like you've done after seeing the fair,
    She'd never taken me either, and, honey, I know, this doesn't make it all fair."
    I like this, it gives some insight, but also leaves me with more questions like "what kind of issues?"..
    She nodded silently.

    "I'd saved up my money, worked hard to cover our costs at the front,
    See, I knew we didn't have money, so I just wanted to treat us for once.
    She finally caved and it was the happiest day I'd ever come to know,
    We packed up for the afternoon and to the fair we would go."


    "Well that sounds like fun!" My daughter whispered.

    "It was. I rode every ride, the ferris wheel was last,
    But when I got to the top, I saw something and gasped
    I like the build up to the climax here .....
    I saw her walking away, bag on her shoulder, head down,
    When the ride finished, I looked, but she was nowhere to be found"
    Wot tf just happened though. I thought he was gonna see her get kidnapped or murdered
    this is even worse Vlad damnit this socked me right in the feels.
    My daughter gasped slightly, covering her mouth.

    "So, honey, it brings back bad memories, carried through time"

    "That's terrible, daddy, I'm sorry, but, I promise I'll stick by your side"

    The look in her eyes broke me, she held me while I finished my cry,
    But I knew I was redeemed when I saw the look on her face when I said,
    "With you guys beside me I can't keep this burden over my head,
    At first it might be painful," I look around at them all,
    "But for you guys I'll give it a try"
    I like how the character had to face his past by having to explain why he refused to go
    to the fair with his kid. Really good character developement.

    Topic Consistency/Creativity 9/10
    NGL I almost 100% expected a detective story out of this, this wasn't a letdown by far
    but when I think of what a Vlad - Sherlock story could have been I can't fully commit
    to a full 10 on this one.

    Entertainment/Style 10/10
    Twas an entertaining story and I enjoyed it.

    Emotion 10/10
    This was the epitome of why sadness = emotion. Automatically thinking of pieces like this
    just automatically associates the words together.

    Imagery 10/10
    Imagery was top notch here, can't really knock it.

    Storytelling Devices - 9/10
    The plot/character developement, narration etc all novel-eque, the only thing I seen (and I'm sure it was probably intent) was no resolve around the mother leaving like there was a hint of her 'having issues' but it didn't quite explain why she might just up and abandon him. I can see how that's part of the main characters development having issues because of the lack of resolve.

    Poetic Devices 10/10
    Went all the way in on this dept.

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar 10/10
    Again no real flaws only a couple of words I would have changed but that would affect flow vs grammar.

    Flow/Pace 7/10
    I feel like flow was pretty good for the most part but I did see a few instances where swapping 1 word her and there might make the flow better.

    Rhyme Scheme 7/10
    There were a few spots where the scheme was really dope, especially the first part of the prologue, but then the focus changed to storytelling/imagery/poetics/emotion which there's nothing with

    82/90 or 91.1 (91%)

    literally a 1pt 1% difference and I could still call this either way with the flip of a coin.
    I waited a good while between reading/scoring both verses so they both seemed fresh.

    I gotta give SA the slightest of edges here for the fluency of writing. It made for an effortless read that had some excellent standout points in it like the dialogue.



    Great job, guys!

    Battle of the Round - gmv.


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