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  1. #1
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Round 2: Wes Ghost [3] vs. [1] Enoch --- Wes Ghost has won.



    Welcome to Round 2 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    Wes Ghost


    VS.


    Enoch




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]


    @wes ghost @Enoch


    Chosen Topic:


    1.


    CHECK INS ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13TH@11:59PM PST


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3RD @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Vlad; 12-11-2017 at 04:12 PM.

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    check,

    you can pick the topic wes

    gl fam

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  4. #3
    sultan of syntax wes ghost's Avatar
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    word, let's do #1

    best of luck my good man <3







    r.i.p. jonny & luna
    cloak&dagger


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    i . . . I canít connect the dots, I guess our connections lost
    redirect the plot, confess that my directions crossed
    perfection sought, often struggle with the thought
    stumbled in pursuit of breaking through the knots
    I feel forsaken, sick of initiating one way conversations
    tired of franticly waving at your off-the-air stations
    waiting for a sign. itís why I swallowed your vision
    so you can look inside my soul like doors and walls are missin
    rain dripping through cracks, you tip across the roof
    if tears land in your palm then your hands are water proof
    carved my tooth on cold truth till rings in wood split
    followed your every step and kissed your foot prints
    shouldíve been different then a twisted escapade
    that fades on the spinning treads of a drifting Escalade
    so as it escalates, and we nap in the bed we made
    and dug graves with the bent corners of razor blades
    I saved a wish to whisper now that the braces off
    Taken loss to be reborn and snapped the staples off
    Toss caution to the wind, ive been a cautionary tale
    Self conscious of my scars and the promises you tell
    Hell, if only you could feel half the emptiness
    I over bathe in attempt to reach your level of cleanliness
    So with vengeance, this is my final letter to God
    I too will create a world in my vision and what not
    So you can confess to me when your direction is lost
    And see if you can make a connection with she who made the dots

    or at the very least . . .

    know what it feels like to be forgot




  6. #5
    sultan of syntax wes ghost's Avatar
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    +

    Her mind was like a fortress. Like math, she would absorb us.
    A graph, straining to force it's point chart back like a sword's thrust.
    In fact, it would reward us. Oh Lord, just and ferocious...
    Oh God, must find the forest..
    My king, trust in the chorus....

    I'd sing, "Lust stems from boredom."

    Trust in the heathen lines that connect the dots.
    These fiends all find her wrecking the plot.
    Deflecting the wrought and awful phaze..
    Interjecting the thought, 'Wish they'd go away...'
    Interesting or not, she continues to say,
    "You're all investing A LOT in the beauty portrayed."

    That's what humans do. They're not immune to it's plague.

    All life from an egg, a seed or a womb.
    Believe it or not, we breed in a tomb.
    Bereavement and rot, we breathe in the fumes.
    "Beneath me, they're lost and in need of some room -
    to find themselves."
    Deep in desire -- a la deep into doom.


    What is this hellish place she see's us waste in?!
    Deceit and doubt, she hides her face then..
    Finds the men who swear they're changin'.
    She fights them off but wears 'complacent'.


    "They all seem lost.." Unclever, crossed --
    tragic n' numb.
    She measured the cost, well, she's better off
    ..in her magic kingdom.
    It's math, in her head; like a fabric moth,
    ..her wing-man.


    She lives there, parenthetically, and I'm polygonally hers.
    I'd follow her bottomless words.
    Pain threatening - but I've done worse.
    I'm framed whether or not we rehearse,
    but I know it's worth it regardless of curses...
    A blind man could tell of it's purpose...
    A heart that's been hardened still yells on the surface.


    She's a product of environment, which means she's still just a loner.
    This part of the problem's ironic: she invented the car but is afraid of the motor.
    By 'car' I mean 'angelic being' and the engine is how we all show her..
    It's how we all throw her away once the beauty's been labeled a 'chauffeur'.
    In that, she'll drive you around till the chip that she found is the one that fell off of her shoulder.

    I guess I'm getting older..
    ..geometrics and sacred shapes prove she's the decoder.


    A castle in the sky or an immersive take at escapism?
    That's how she bates them in...but I'm different, I wouldn't fake my sin.
    I'm me and I know that she.....you see, I know she's seeking me.
    She's trying to speak to me...by not being there to see, cause lust is free for men with greed.

    All men, like trees, are there in abundance until they're not..
    A map in her head to show her math isn't dead...I'm the sum and the plot.
    I suppose a dream and the comfort of bed is potentially all that she got.
    I guess the dreamer dreams the dream without purpose but gets to pick when it stops.

    That's why I cringe whenever I hear from my peers, "She's just connecting the dots."

    --
    Attached Images Attached Images







    r.i.p. jonny & luna
    cloak&dagger


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  8. #6
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    To begin ...

    Excellent choice of topic. I love the picture.

    ENOCH

    i . . . I can’t connect the dots, I guess our connections lost
    Nice tie-in to the picture.

    redirect the plot, confess that my directions crossed
    perfection sought, often struggle with the thought
    stumbled in pursuit of breaking through the knots
    I feel forsaken, sick of initiating one way conversations
    tired of franticly waving at your off-the-air stations
    waiting for a sign. it’s why I swallowed your vision
    so you can look inside my soul like doors and walls are missin
    rain dripping through cracks, you tip across the roof
    if tears land in your palm then your hands are water proof
    I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'll be damned if I didn't say just how much I enjoyed your language, cadence and confidence. The latter oozes through your words and has become a signature component found within your written voice.

    carved my tooth on cold truth till rings in wood split
    That's a foggy metaphor in terms of imagery. But I can semi visualize it.

    followed your every step and kissed your foot prints
    My nimba my nimba this is brilliant.

    should’ve been different then a twisted escapade
    that fades on the spinning treads of a drifting Escalade
    Ponderous.

    so as it escalates, and we nap in the bed we made
    and dug graves with the bent corners of razor blades
    Slow down Gandi ... you're kill 'em.

    I saved a wish to whisper now that the braces off
    Taken loss to be reborn and snapped the staples off
    Toss caution to the wind, ive been a cautionary tale
    Self conscious of my scars and the promises you tell
    Hell, if only you could feel half the emptiness
    I over bathe in attempt to reach your level of cleanliness
    So with vengeance, this is my final letter to God
    I too will create a world in my vision and what not
    The "what not" part seems lazy. Especially in comparisons to the flawlessly executed lines that rest above it. Also, although I'm loving this entire drop on a line-by-line basis, I still however, have absolutely no idea what this story is about or where it's heading. So far I've detected fragments of a troubled relationship and, what I'm just recently assuming is going to turn into your character creating a reality within her own mind.

    So you can confess to me when your direction is lost
    And see if you can make a connection with she who made the dots

    or at the very least . . .

    know what it feels like to be forgot
    I dig it.

    Okay, so overall, I have to be honest here, Rhet. I have absolutely no idea how to interpret your verse. Was it about a love lost? A disconnect from God or a mentally deluded individual dealing with the plight of having a shattered mind? I don't wanna sell you short. I'm sure you can explain the concept to me later on, but as of now, I'm having some trouble connecting the dots. Now, on a line-by-line basis you had some incredible moments of poetic brillance and your mechanics (minus the "what not" part) were all stellar as always.

    Wes Ghost

    Her mind was like a fortress. Like math, she would absorb us.
    A graph, straining to force it's point
    Nice tie-in to the picture. I'm loving the tone of this piece.

    chart back like a sword's thrust.
    In fact, it would reward us. Oh Lord, just and ferocious...
    Oh God, must find the forest..
    My king, trust in the chorus....
    Uhmmm ... Yeah, not sure I follow.

    I'd sing, "Lust stems from boredom."

    Trust in the heathen lines that connect the dots.
    These fiends all find her wrecking the plot.
    Deflecting the wrought and awful phaze..
    Interjecting the thought, 'Wish they'd go away...'
    Interesting or not, she continues to say,
    "You're all investing A LOT in the beauty portrayed."
    Is this a battle or did you two trick us and write a long and highly anticipated collaboration? I swear your language and train of thought matches Rhet's almost to a 't'. Thus, every compliment and critic I gave him, I think might also apply to you. With that said, the character seems to be a tadbit off, but at the same time, aware of her psychosis.

    That's what humans do. They're not immune to it's plague.

    All life from an egg, a seed or a womb.
    Believe it or not, we breed in a tomb.
    Ponderous

    I have no idea what that means, but it definitely makes my mind spin trying to figure it out.

    Bereavement and rot, we breathe in the fumes.
    "Beneath me, they're lost and in need of some room -
    to find themselves."
    Deep in desire -- a la deep into doom.
    Are we doomed to being victims of desire and superficial lust?

    I love the flow and the in-and-outs of your mechanics here.

    What is this hellish place she see's us waste in?!
    Deceit and doubt, she hides her face then..
    Finds the men who swear they're changin'.
    She fights them off but wears 'complacent'.

    "They all seem lost.." Unclever, crossed --
    tragic n' numb.
    She measured the cost, well, she's better off
    ..in her magic kingdom.
    It's math, in her head; like a fabric moth,
    ..her wing-man.
    Eh, not the biggest fan of "her wing-man" inclusion ... it doesn't read as seamlessly as the rest of your words do. The "fabric moth" is beautiful imagery. In fact, it seems like it should have been illustrated in the picture to begin with. I actually had to double check to confirm it wasn't. Also, the way you've interwoven your rhymes are really cool -- effortless and breezy.

    In this section I get that the character maybe pragmatic more so than out-right-crazy. Where some people see a world of endless beauty and possibility, she sees math, numbers, graphs and constructs.

    She lives there, parenthetically, and I'm polygonally hers.
    Wait, is "she" God? Is this piece about living within the mathematical matrix of her universe/mind ... like sacred geometry or something?

    I'd follow her bottomless words.
    Pain threatening - but I've done worse.
    I'm framed whether or not we rehearse,
    but I know it's worth it regardless of curses...
    A blind man could tell of it's purpose...
    A heart that's been hardened still yells on the surface.
    Sometimes you're not necessarily saying anything of profound significance, BUT ... your diction and your syntax deliver your lines with resonating impact. The above quotation is an example of what I mean.

    She's a product of environment, which means she's still just a loner.
    This part of the problem's ironic: she invented the car but is afraid of the motor.
    So I'm just gonna say she is God and interpret this line as meaning she is in constant presuit of understanding her own creations or mathematically anomolies.

    By 'car' I mean 'angelic being' and the engine is how we all show her..
    The expressions of God (you and I) are God -- we are like broken shards of a larger mirror that reflect the truth of God's creation. Our existence is likened to synapse happening within a universal brain.

    It's how we all throw her away once the beauty's been labeled a 'chauffeur'.
    In that, she'll drive you around till the chip that she found is the one that fell off of her shoulder.
    The wordplay is A1

    I guess I'm getting older..
    ..geometrics and sacred shapes prove she's the decoder.

    A castle in the sky or an immersive take at escapism?
    That's how she bates them in...but I'm different, I wouldn't fake my sin.
    I'm me and I know that she.....you see, I know she's seeking me.
    She's trying to speak to me...by not being there to see, cause lust is free for men with greed.

    All men, like trees, are there in abundance until they're not..
    A map in her head to show her math isn't dead...I'm the sum and the plot.
    I suppose a dream and the comfort of bed is potentially all that she got.
    I guess the dreamer dreams the dream without purpose but gets to pick when it stops.

    That's why I cringe whenever I hear from my peers, "She's just connecting the dots."

    --
    So in other words ... you recently watched that video that suggested we're all a computer simulation, looked at the picture, and then it all came together and clicked for you.


    Overall, this was a dope ass read. Maybe a little foggy at the start -- ambiguous in its scope. But, the further along I read, the more it all became clear.

    Vote -- Wes Ghost

    Reason: first and foremost you both are two of my top 10 favorite topical writers. This battle is a good reason as to why that is. However, in this instance, I gotta give my vote to Wes. Lyrically, mechanically, writing wise, you two were dead even. True masters at work. But, what tipped the scales in Wes' favor for me was the concept he produced. The whole sacred geometry in relation to the picture was an excellent idea to exploit and he executed it well. Rhet's verse might very well have been about the same thing, for all I know. The problem is I couldn't really grasp what concept his piece was rooted in. Either way, this was another top-tier battle. Props.


    --EDIT-- Okay, upon review and a second read through l would like to apologize to Rhet. It's now become obvious to me that his story was also about a disconnect from God. It was like a jealous Lucifer tale or about an apathetic being that felt ignored by the Source and set out to form it's own reality. Which most likely is an allegory wrapped inside an even deeper metaphor on a microcosmic level.

    I'm still voting Wes because his piece hit me slightly harder. But I would honestly vote a draw if I could.


    After this battle you two should post this as a collab here and elsewhere.
    Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; 01-09-2018 at 02:17 PM.

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  10. #7
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    Enoch

    Quote Originally Posted by Enoch View Post
    i . . . I canít connect the dots, I guess our connections lost
    redirect the plot, confess that my directions crossed
    perfection sought, often struggle with the thought
    stumbled in pursuit of breaking through the knots
    Holy shit, this was a super strong start to the piece. Not only was the rhyme scheme 10/10 on point, but we have the initial link to the topic and the empathic connection to the subject.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enoch View Post
    I feel forsaken, sick of initiating one way conversations
    tired of franticly waving at your off-the-air stations
    waiting for a sign. itís why I swallowed your vision
    so you can look inside my soul like doors and walls are missin
    That last line hits hard. The metaphor in and of itself is a solid concept, and even though the basic version isn't at all original, the execution along with the imagery and word choice just make the line have some serious impact.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enoch View Post
    rain dripping through cracks, you tip across the roof
    if tears land in your palm then your hands are water proof
    carved my tooth on cold truth till rings in wood split
    followed your every step and kissed your foot prints
    shouldíve been different then a twisted escapade
    that fades on the spinning treads of a drifting Escalade
    so as it escalates, and we nap in the bed we made
    and dug graves with the bent corners of razor blades
    I saved a wish to whisper now that the braces off
    Taken loss to be reborn and snapped the staples off
    While I thought there was some really solid scheme and assonance through this section, especially after the strong provocative first part of your piece I felt like my connection to the piece and emotion/feeling evoked through this section hit a bit of a lull, personally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enoch View Post
    Toss caution to the wind, ive been a cautionary tale
    Self conscious of my scars and the promises you tell
    This bar 10/10. Nailed it, nuff said

    Quote Originally Posted by Enoch View Post
    Hell, if only you could feel half the emptiness
    I over bathe in attempt to reach your level of cleanliness
    So with vengeance, this is my final letter to God
    I too will create a world in my vision and what not
    So you can confess to me when your direction is lost
    And see if you can make a connection with she who made the dots

    or at the very least . . .

    know what it feels like to be forgot
    Super strong content in this last section. Really wrapped the piece together nicely. My one comment would be that I didn't think that the scheme was quite as strong as the rest of the piece, and I do think that the two long lines messed up the flow a bit for me. Overall, though I love your story and the connection and emotion you evoked for me. This is your first piece I have read, and I guess I've been sleeping on Enoch!

    wesghost

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    Her mind was like a fortress. Like math, she would absorb us.
    A graph, straining to force it's point chart back like a sword's thrust.
    In fact, it would reward us. Oh Lord, just and ferocious...
    Oh God, must find the forest..
    My king, trust in the chorus....

    I'd sing, "Lust stems from boredom."
    Starting off with the mind like a fortress line is powerful. It almost seems to literal with the picture, but the depth of the metaphor gives it real staying power. Also the scheme carried through the whole section is dope, and the last line makes me wonder what the dynamic between "her" and "I" is going to be. Also agree lust def stems from boredom 100%. Can relate.

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    Trust in the heathen lines that connect the dots.
    These fiends all find her wrecking the plot.
    Deflecting the wrought and awful phaze..
    Interjecting the thought, 'Wish they'd go away...'
    Interesting or not, she continues to say,
    "You're all investing A LOT in the beauty portrayed."
    That's what humans do. They're not immune to it's plague.
    Dig it, I did think that the awful phaze line was a bit short and didn't fit as well as the next 3 lines. Overall solid though, and the allusion of beauty being a plague was super powerful

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    All life from an egg, a seed or a womb.
    Believe it or not, we breed in a tomb.
    Belieeedat

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    Bereavement and rot, we breathe in the fumes.
    "Beneath me, they're lost and in need of some room -
    to find themselves."
    Deep in desire -- a la deep into doom.
    I personally didn't really understand the connection of the last line to the rest of this section. Happy to be enlightened if you get a chance.

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    What is this hellish place she see's us waste in?!
    Deceit and doubt, she hides her face then..
    Finds the men who swear they're changin'.
    She fights them off but wears 'complacent'.
    Great section, no complaints

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    "They all seem lost.." Unclever, crossed --
    tragic n' numb.
    She measured the cost, well, she's better off
    ..in her magic kingdom.
    It's math, in her head; like a fabric moth,
    ..her wing-man.
    Personally didn't feel the flow and scheme here. Some of the rhymes were solid, but it felt a bit too chopped up, and fabric moth didn't do anything for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    She lives there, parenthetically, and I'm polygonally hers.
    What does it mean to be polygonally someone's? :thinking:

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    I'd follow her bottomless words.
    Pain threatening - but I've done worse.
    I'm framed whether or not we rehearse,
    but I know it's worth it regardless of curses...
    A blind man could tell of it's purpose...
    A heart that's been hardened still yells on the surface.
    I really dug the end rhymes here and the imagery / story in this section.

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    She's a product of environment, which means she's still just a loner.
    This part of the problem's ironic: she invented the car but is afraid of the motor.
    I know line length comments may not be the most popular, but for me it broke up the flow here

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    By 'car' I mean 'angelic being' and the engine is how we all show her..
    It's how we all throw her away once the beauty's been labeled a 'chauffeur'.
    In that, she'll drive you around till the chip that she found is the one that fell off of her shoulder.
    Awesome. The devices here are on point and how you ended it with the chip the fell of her shoulder was super powerful. This may be my favorite few lines tbh.

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    I guess I'm getting older..
    ..geometrics and sacred shapes prove she's the decoder.


    A castle in the sky or an immersive take at escapism?
    That's how she bates them in...but I'm different, I wouldn't fake my sin.
    I'm me and I know that she.....you see, I know she's seeking me.
    She's trying to speak to me...by not being there to see, cause lust is free for men with greed.
    This section, on the other hand, though I feel that the flow is kind of broken, it's super intentional and the assonance really carries the bars. When read, this feels really good.

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    All men, like trees, are there in abundance until they're not..
    A map in her head to show her math isn't dead...I'm the sum and the plot.
    I suppose a dream and the comfort of bed is potentially all that she got.
    I guess the dreamer dreams the dream without purpose but gets to pick when it stops.
    Unfortunately this closer didn't draw me in personally. The last line felt like it was trying too hard. I liked the metaphor in the first line, and a super deep insight with the "abundance" motif, but the next few lines to me kind of felt like they were there just to be there, which was a bit disappointing for the end of a piece for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by wes ghost View Post
    That's why I cringe whenever I hear from my peers, "She's just connecting the dots."
    This last line killed it though. Bringing it back strong to the topic, but also commenting on a social euphamism which can be overplayed / poorly used, or just flat out meaningless at times. Overall I loved the piece, the story was super strong, and the imagery and emotion carried me through the entire piece without losing interest or focus. Dope verse bro.

    MVGT wes

  11. #8
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Due to Wes posting late, 1 (one) vote will be added to Rhet's count. The score stands at 2-1.

  12. #9
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    Enoch

    i . . . I can’t connect the dots, I guess our connections lost
    redirect the plot, confess that my directions crossed
    perfection sought, often struggle with the thought
    stumbled in pursuit of breaking through the knots
    Immediately able to pick up on where this is going. I like the direction.
    I feel forsaken, sick of initiating one way conversations
    tired of franticly waving at your off-the-air stations
    waiting for a sign. it’s why I swallowed your vision
    so you can look inside my soul like doors and walls are missin
    I like the line "sick of initiation one way conversations" I think anyone
    that has the slightest bit of religion in them has felt this at one point or
    another, just becoming so angry with unanswered prayers and lack of
    direction. "tired of waving at your off the air stations" is another example
    of this. loved this whole section tbh
    rain dripping through cracks, you tip across the roof
    if tears land in your palm then your hands are water proof
    such dope wording right here, full of emotion too.
    carved my tooth on cold truth till rings in wood split
    followed your every step and kissed your foot prints
    should’ve been different then a twisted escapade
    that fades on the spinning treads of a drifting Escalade
    I like the play on words with carved my tooth/rings in wood split.
    and the reference to footprints is dope, kind of like a callback to the
    footprints in the sand story you see on alot of religious materials.
    i like the imagery/comparision to the twisted escapade / spinning treads
    of a drifting escalade.
    so as it escalates, and we nap in the bed we made
    and dug graves with the bent corners of razor blades
    love the repetition of the esca- prefix giving different meaning to each word
    but still carving the same mental image. I love the imagery behind
    "dug graves with the bent corners of razor blades" .... so deep (pun not intended)
    but so easy to visualize.
    I saved a wish to whisper now that the braces off
    Taken loss to be reborn and snapped the staples off
    Toss caution to the wind, ive been a cautionary tale
    Self conscious of my scars and the promises you tell
    Hell, if only you could feel half the emptiness
    I over bathe in attempt to reach your level of cleanliness
    ooh I like "taken loss to be reborn" .... like someone has finally
    had enough and come to the conclusion that devout worship will not
    fix their problems no matter how closely they follow the rules/expectations.
    also the "over bathe in attempt to reach your level of cleanliness" that
    bares allusion to the term "cleanliness is next to Godliness" so nicely done.
    So with vengeance, this is my final letter to God
    I too will create a world in my vision and what not
    So you can confess to me when your direction is lost
    And see if you can make a connection with she who made the dots

    or at the very least . . .

    know what it feels like to be forgot
    Wow. what an ending. Not only turning their back on the religion/God
    but professing to be a new God of their own world/view so they can
    re-create the disconnection between creator/creation that was described here.


    Topic Consistency/Creativity – 10/10
    You two were basically on the same wave length it seems while Wes's seem to narrate in the perspective of "her" being god or at least viewed as one, this one was the devout worshipper
    that was tired of being un-noticed.

    Entertainment/Style – 10/10
    I feel like every line-word-phrase had a purpose and it lead into the next thought and just overall came off super fluent and was easy to read along with.

    Emotion – 10/10
    This really caught me in my own emotions, it was able to provoke my own feelings where I've been in a similar mindstate as the narrator here. (not currently but not so distant that I didn't
    remember what it felt like)

    Imagery – 9/10
    So as i said before this provoked my own thoughts and there were pieces of imagery that stood out amongst what I could already see/visualize from my own perspective like :
    the digging graves w/ bent corners of razor blades, the cleanliness line,tears in the palm and a few others just to point a couple out.

    Storytelling Devices - 9/10
    I feel like there was defintiely a beginning/middle/end. climax and character development here. started out as helplessly begging for an answer a reason to keep believing, to devout
    worship in attempt to capture the attention/favor, to anger and vengeance to denouncing
    the religion and creating a new one, in their own image.

    Poetic Devices –7/10
    There were poetic moments and overall had a poetic tone, I don't feel like the devices here were as used quite as much as the other categories, but that's not a bad thing.

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar – 9/10
    spelling/grammar seemed to be sound to me, and vocab was not over-used not under, the perfect tone to fit the theme

    Flow/Pace – 9/10
    Super fluent read

    Rhyme Scheme – 8/10
    a steady waves of rhymes and clean transitions


    81/90 - 90% such a dope read



    Wes Ghost

    Her mind was like a fortress. Like math, she would absorb us.
    A graph, straining to force it's point chart back like a sword's thrust.
    In fact, it would reward us. Oh Lord, just and ferocious...
    Oh God, must find the forest..
    My king, trust in the chorus....

    I'd sing, "Lust stems from boredom."
    I like the repetitive sounds in the first part of this (fortress/sorb us/force it's/sword's thrust/ward us and I thought you were done there because it went to ferocious then brought it right back with forest...... then as if it's a cherry on top of the sundae, the whole string of my king trust in the chorus/i'd sing lust stems from boredom multis just killed it.
    At this point I'm not 100% sure I know what you're talking about YET but it sounds great so far.
    Trust in the heathen lines that connect the dots.
    These fiends all find her wrecking the plot.
    Deflecting the wrought and awful phaze..
    Interjecting the thought, 'Wish they'd go away...'
    Interesting or not, she continues to say,
    "You're all investing A LOT in the beauty portrayed."
    I like that you brought in the word wrought to shed light on the ever so fading wrought iron fence at the bottom of the picture, yet still have a different meaning in the line/verse.
    I feel like I am starting to pardon the pun here but connect the dots, but still not quite sure I'm on the same wave length just yet, the wording is superb though.
    That's what humans do. They're not immune to it's plague.
    All life from an egg, a seed or a womb.
    Believe it or not, we breed in a tomb.
    Bereavement and rot, we breathe in the fumes.
    "Beneath me, they're lost and in need of some room -
    to find themselves."
    Deep in desire -- a la deep into doom.
    like the ABBA structure in the first two lines here..
    Ok Ok I think I got this now...
    Flow/Multis here is on point...
    What is this hellish place she see's us waste in?!
    Deceit and doubt, she hides her face then..
    Finds the men who swear they're changin'.
    She fights them off but wears 'complacent'.

    "They all seem lost.." Unclever, crossed --
    tragic n' numb.
    She measured the cost, well, she's better off
    ..in her magic kingdom.
    It's math, in her head; like a fabric moth,
    ..her wing-man.
    So I have come to the conclusion that "She" either IS god or the narrator here views her as such.
    She lives there, parenthetically, and I'm polygonally hers.
    I'd follow her bottomless words.
    Pain threatening - but I've done worse.
    I'm framed whether or not we rehearse,
    but I know it's worth it regardless of curses...
    A blind man could tell of it's purpose...
    A heart that's been hardened still yells on the surface.
    like the mathematical tie-ins. starting to feel like the latter part of my conclusion is the right one like the narrator is telling the story of a woman that lives in her head but he views her as perfection? idk yet still debating .. you've definitely got me on the hook though.

    She's a product of environment, which means she's still just a loner.
    This part of the problem's ironic: she invented the car but is afraid of the motor.
    By 'car' I mean 'angelic being' and the engine is how we all show her..
    It's how we all throw her away once the beauty's been labeled a 'chauffeur'.
    In that, she'll drive you around till the chip that she found is the one that fell off of her shoulder.
    ooh I like the "invented the car but is afraid of the motor" and the play on words that follows
    wht the chauffeur/drive you around/chip that fell of her shoulder... amazing section.
    on another note now I am back to "She/Her" being God because "by car I mean angelic being"
    damnit I can't seem to wrap my brain all the way around this one but it's like a puzzle that I feel the need to solve lol
    I guess I'm getting older..
    ..geometrics and sacred shapes prove she's the decoder.


    A castle in the sky or an immersive take at escapism?
    That's how she bates them in...but I'm different, I wouldn't fake my sin.
    I'm me and I know that she.....you see, I know she's seeking me.
    She's trying to speak to me...by not being there to see, cause lust is free for men with greed.

    All men, like trees, are there in abundance until they're not..
    A map in her head to show her math isn't dead...I'm the sum and the plot.
    I suppose a dream and the comfort of bed is potentially all that she got.
    I guess the dreamer dreams the dream without purpose but gets to pick when it stops.

    That's why I cringe whenever I hear from my peers, "She's just connecting the dots."
    just word wizardry all around through this. I still am not 100% which of my theories are correct but they both seem to fit and that's really all that matters is that I can make sense of it.

    Topic Consistency/Creativity – 10/10
    Definitely outside of the box but not so far outside that I couldn't make sense of what was going on. In either case Her being God, or the Narrator viewing her as such, it was creatively written. I liked the mathematic theme to it, and how you pulled inspiration from the picture without having to directly reference it.

    Entertainment/Style – 10/10
    It was encapsulating, and kept me guessing but also held my attention.

    Emotion – 8/10
    There were definitely points of emotion through this that caught my attention, whether they be written for this purpose or not, like where the narrator describes her mind as mathematical - to me that could also mean someone that's living inside their head always over-thinking and calculating like an introvert which I can relate to because I have those spurts where I feel like I am in a similar mindstate.

    Imagery – 9/10
    I feel like you did have shining moments of brilliant imagery, I could get glimpses of what I was supposed to see to make the read more realistic.

    Storytelling Devices - 8/10
    The syntax and wording was spot on, I don't feel like this followed a traditional storyline
    but at the same time, it still told a story.

    Poetic Devices –9/10
    not just the devices this had an overall poetic vibe to it, I could see this being spoken word and considering I've heard you read a few pieces I even read this in your voice

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar – 10/10
    didn't see anything that looked out of place or any errors, what I did see was a great use of vocabulary without being over-the-top with it, every word held meaning and wasn't just there to say 'look at me i'm smart'

    Flow/Pace – 9/10
    Flow was solid throughout

    Rhyme Scheme – 9/10
    loved the change-ups and strings of multis but also just the way that alot of the words seemlessly fit together without looked forced for rhymes.

    82/90 91.1%



    as you can see these were about dead even and thus the reason I did not want to vote for the longest, upon this review I seen more things that I liked, and understood things that were not quite as clear on the first few reads that made me lean ever so slightly towards Wes's verse

    this is one of those battles where if there were more voters, I'd just vote tie and let someone else decide the outcome because I wanted to give a W to both.

    in the end - MVGT - Wes Ghost
    Last edited by Rude; 01-21-2018 at 12:15 PM. Reason: adding color!


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