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  1. #1
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    Round 2: D.K.O.N. [0] vs. [1] Rude - Open For Votes



    Welcome to Round 2 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    D.K.O.N.


    VS.


    Rude




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]


    @D.K.O.N. @Rude


    Chosen Topic:


    2.


    CHECK INS ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13TH@11:59PM PST


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3RD @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Vlad; 12-11-2017 at 04:12 PM.

  2. #2
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    Check check. Hi rude!!

    My preference is:

    2
    3
    4
    1

    I'm open for compromise though. Little tit for tit.


    Did I use that right?

  3. #3
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    The Oddest Sea

    Hafa adei! Welcome aboard! The expectancy is thin.
    You're sick of working office, hours -over 70 - if trimmed?
    Extorting your exhaustion? Boss's pleasantry is grim?
    Need the - Best. Vacation. Ever.?! We are ready on a whim!
    Tired of social media blackholes, like Amy's "pregnancy with Tim"?
    Not to hype you up, but THIS? - Well, it's essentially, a WIN.
    Prepare yourselves for marine life, you won't fail to see a fin!
    Don't forget your camera phones! Let the jealousy commence!
    Now, the first rule there is to boating - Never sail, if you can't swim.
    Second rule is - know I'm joking. Epic fail... I know, I'm grim.
    Anchors aweigh! C'est la vie! Time to hail a breathing wind,
    as we embark upon a journey, that most sailors keep to them....

    Say goodbye to Ritidian Point, the shore this trip is from.
    Fun fact for those who care : It's the northern tip of Guam.
    The brine's a turquoise shade of crystal, like all the movies that you see.
    Three hundred sixty degree view, revolves the beauty of the sea.

    I hate to rain on your parade, Alas, the duty is on me.
    Looks like a squall's about to catch us, looking gloomy - to your three.
    That's not the only thing I'm sorry 'bout, No excuses for the fees.....
    I had to get you out here far enough to reduce a mutiny...

    You see, another triangle exists, from maps it's shunned and it's excluded,
    parallel in fact, to the one that's in Bermuda.
    But, this one is called The Dragon's - in the Phillipine Sea.
    It's inhabited with monsters and a list of deities.
    Before you laugh (that's a joke?!) Plans you thought to sue me's, dead.
    The fins I promised you, instead ~ crossing Watatsumi's bed.
    He's the Dragon King of Oceans, put Godzilla in his grave,
    the Japanese Lord of the Sea, fought with Scylla and he slayed.
    The other fin you see's Mizuchi, venom coursing through his veins,
    he's a River God, but bigger problems, got us forcing him to stay.
    There's also Suijin on the port side, the Shinto water deity,
    to the starboard, you'll see Susanoo, whom we've honored recently.

    Now the reason that we're here, is the Chamorro peoples way,
    trading offerings for peace but never saw the demon's face.
    Our little Micronesian Island, where trips are fantasized - a gem,
    require payments made in human life so thus, we sacrifice to them.
    That's why groups we ride are small, it's not Me, it's the business...
    Cops would notice a mass of tourists, & we don't wanna seem suspicious.
    I couldn't JUST TELL YOU the Gods were real!! Who'd believe? You oughta see,
    I'd say take this odyssey again, but you won't leave The Oddest Sea.
    Last edited by Rude; 01-04-2018 at 09:50 AM. Reason: Space between "is" and "called" in the Triangle stanza


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    Sweet!!! 2 it is.

  5. #5
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    Society Sea
    By DKON

    Teleprompters pull the strings behind the lying cameras
    The glamorous, the desolate, deceit disguised as amorous
    Retreat to dream in solitude…but hear the masses clamor us
    The answer is transgression, but it seems the seas are cancerous

    The shores that we were born upon are interlaced with shells
    That represent the stories of ourselves…the glory and the felled
    They worry me at night to no prevail…see, I won’t recede to hell
    No I don’t believe in hope I need to open up my sails

    And bail

    I loathe to dwell on petty thoughts
    So many knots I’ve tied
    An oath to quell the deadly tossing
    Soul of the collective mind

    The clouds of dread were formed from disdain, shame, and crime
    They remained stained, and dry, till we in vain claimed the sky
    Our selfish aims have pained them until each vein would cry

    And I’d say it’s been draining now

    Raining, for a very long time

    Torrential pain and anger grew the seas that kiss my battered door
    They ceased the ships of individuality and shattered more
    Scattered war in rivers that encroached their banks in tattered hordes
    Between “I” or “Us”, which “One” do you think mattered more?

    I’ve meandered toward the fjord since that first droplet swelled
    As their deep pockets epoch I heed not to keep dwelled
    They see it as retreat…and they mock as I sail

    I’m undocking this reef…and this time…

    I won’t be leaving shells

    No trace of me amidst the sands of make believe and spells
    My identity and story’s at the helm, or nowhere else
    Traverse these cursed tides that turned the wise against themselves
    They’ll try to churn my stride, but this faith of mine’s upheld

    They can chase me through the swells with their stormy maws agape
    Keep their hate among themselves, fill my sails with every failing trait
    Wailing tempest cataclysms cracking thunder in my wake
    They’ll try to shackle progress, but I’ll keep the bearing straight…

    The horizon holds a promise
    That was whispered at the shore

    Stay afloat amidst a failing congress…buoyant on the ides of war
    Bow against the tides of poverty, truth will rise a ford
    To guide you through their sin, to the island that you’ve forged
    .
    .
    .
    They’ll find it though, it’s certain
    Although it may be a while

    They’ll learn to sink or swim
    Whether beaten…or defiled

    And when they finally claw
    Their way to shore upon my isle

    They find me half dead
    On my last breath with a smile


    Society Sea
    By DKON
    Last edited by D.K.O.N.; 01-04-2018 at 10:26 AM.

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  7. #6
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    Rude

    The Oddest Sea
    For some reason I love that title.

    Hafa adei! Welcome aboard! The expectancy is thin.
    You're sick of working office, hours -over 70 - if trimmed?
    Extorting your exhaustion? Boss's pleasantry is grim?
    Need the - Best. Vacation. Ever.?! We are ready on a whim!
    Tired of social media blackholes, like Amy's "pregnancy with Tim"?
    Not to hype you up, but THIS? - Well, it's essentially, a WIN.
    Prepare yourselves for marine life, you won't fail to see a fin!
    Don't forget your camera phones! Let the jealousy commence!
    Now, the first rule there is to boating - Never sail, if you can't swim.
    Second rule is - know I'm joking. Epic fail... I know, I'm grim.
    Anchors aweigh! C'est la vie! Time to hail a breathing wind,
    as we embark upon a journey, that most sailors keep to them....
    Okay, so this sounds like an infomercial trying to market a package deal vacation to the viewers. However, it also sounds like (and I think this was your aim) a host/tour guide that is happily explaining the journey, that he and the cruise ship passengers are about to embark upon.

    From a technical p.o.v. your mechanics are very smooth. Seemless transitions and choice wording, per usual. Although, using the word "grim" twice in the manner that you did caught my attention. But no biggie.

    OAN, I like how you gave us a geographical starting point without actually having to explicitly state the location.

    "Hafa adei!" suggest that the voyage begins in the Western Pacific, more specifically, Micronesia and off the coast of Guam.

    Say goodbye to Ritidian Point, the shore this trip is from.
    Thanks. Now I look ...smh lol

    Fun fact for those who care : It's the northern tip of Guam.
    Come on, Rude. Let these people use a map or google. Geezus, woman.

    The brine's a turquoise shade of crystal, like all the movies that you see.
    Three hundred sixty degree view, revolves the beauty of the sea.
    Sooo smooth.

    I hate to rain on your parade, Alas, the duty is on me.
    Looks like a squall's about to catch us, looking gloomy - to your three.
    That's not the only thing I'm sorry 'bout, No excuses for the fees.....
    I had to get you out here far enough to reduce a mutiny...
    Okay. This seems like an interesting turn of events. Lets see where this goes.

    You see, another triangle exists, from maps it's shunned and it's excluded,
    parallel in fact, to the one that's in Bermuda.
    But, this one is called The Dragon's - in the Phillipine Sea.
    It's inhabited with monsters and a list of deities.
    I am familiar and I am intrigued. More or less the angle I would have taken myself if given the topic.

    Before you laugh (that's a joke?!) Plans you thought to sue me's, dead.
    Stale face of disappointment.

    The fins I promised you, instead ~ crossing Watatsumi's bed.
    He's the Dragon King of Oceans, put Godzilla in his grave,
    All of your regional referances are making this one entertaining read. I'm most certainly buying into your suspended reality.

    the Japanese Lord of the Sea, fought with Scylla and he slayed.
    The other fin you see's Mizuchi, venom coursing through his veins,
    he's a River God, but bigger problems, got us forcing him to stay.
    There's also Suijin on the port side, the Shinto water deity,
    to the starboard, you'll see Susanoo, whom we've honored recently.
    That last line made me smile. It's so Japanese - ripe with honor and tradition. I'm loving how you're incoperating all of these mythological creatures into your verse.

    Now the reason that we're here, is the Chamorro peoples way,
    trading offerings for peace but never saw the demon's face.
    Our little Micronesian Island, where trips are fantasized - a gem,
    require payments made in human life so thus, we sacrifice to them.
    That's why groups we ride are small, it's not Me, it's the business...
    Cops would notice a mass of tourists, & we don't wanna seem suspicious.
    I couldn't JUST TELL YOU the Gods were real!! Who'd believe? You oughta see,
    I'd say take this odyssey again, but you won't leave The Oddest Sea.
    "Odyssey" fits perfectly within the context of the story. The last line was flawless. The others helped progress the story and bring relevance and impact to the climax. The flow slightly waned, but overall it stayed pretty consistent. I just feel as if the "life/sacrifice" line could have been tweaked some.

    As a whole this was one creative piece of writing. I definitely didn't see the twist coming and the general premise was not only highly original, but more impressively, it was executed with a high degree of skill. Dopeness ... as expected.

    D.K.O.N.


    Society Sea
    Well, that's interesting. Let's see where it takes us.

    Teleprompters pull the strings behind the lying cameras
    The glamorous, the desolate, deceit disguised as amorous
    Retreat to dream in solitude…but hear the masses clamor us
    The answer is transgression, but it seems the seas are cancerous
    Oh, okay, a less direct interpretation of the picture. I see you've decided to take the metaphorically route. What I gather thus far is that your piece is gonna delve into social engineering, suggestive thinking and mental programing performed on the masses by the powers that be -- the media, corporations or maybe even the government. Interesting. Also, your mechanics and vocabulary are both spot-on.

    The shores that we were born upon are interlaced with shells
    That represent the stories of ourselves…the glory and the felled
    They worry me at night to no prevail…see, I won’t recede to hell
    No I don’t believe in hope I need to open up my sails

    And bail
    Well, fuck ... that's a complete left turn from what I assumed to be the focus. Nice rhymes though. Except maybe the "no prevail" part. I think it there's a small pause that happens when I read it aloud that slightly disrupts the flow.

    I loathe to dwell on petty thoughts
    So many knots I’ve tied
    An oath to quell the deadly tossing
    Soul of the collective mind
    Does the mind need a soul or does the soul reside in the mind? In my opinion, they are necessary abstracts that combined to create a single thing or entity, but are separate concepts that share an interdependent experience. Thus, I'm not sure how to feel about that last line.

    The clouds of dread were formed from disdain, shame, and crime
    They remained stained, and dry, till we in vain claimed the sky
    Our selfish aims have pained them until each vein would cry

    And I’d say it’s been draining now

    Raining, for a very long time
    Your poetics are dope. Your wording is dope and your rhymes are solid. However, I'm not entirely sure what message you're trying to convey. I mean, I get all the tie-ins to the picture, but what's actually happening as I'm reading along to your words is a bit hazy.


    Torrential pain and anger grew the seas that kiss my battered door
    They ceased the ships of individuality and shattered more
    Scattered war in rivers that encroached their banks in tattered hordes
    Between “I” or “Us”, which “One” do you think mattered more?
    The language is still pretty cryptic. I imagine there's gonna be a huge payoff at the end that will bring some clarity and resolve to this psychological head trip you're taking us on.

    I’ve meandered toward the fjord since that first droplet swelled
    As their deep pockets epoch I heed not to keep dwelled
    They see it as retreat…and they mock as I sail

    I’m undocking this reef…and this time…

    I won’t be leaving shells

    No trace of me amidst the sands of make believe and spells
    That last line is a gem. I love the wording of this section and the flow is smooth as hell. I also love how appropriate and topic-driven your vocabulary is.

    My identity and story’s at the helm, or nowhere else
    Traverse these cursed tides that turned the wise against themselves
    They’ll try to churn my stride, but this faith of mine’s upheld

    They can chase me through the swells with their stormy maws agape
    Keep their hate among themselves, fill my sails with every failing trait
    Wailing tempest cataclysms cracking thunder in my wake
    They’ll try to shackle progress, but I’ll keep the bearing straight…

    The horizon holds a promise
    That was whispered at the shore

    Stay afloat amidst a failing congress…buoyant on the ides of war
    Bow against the tides of poverty, truth will rise a ford
    To guide you through their sin, to the island that you’ve forged
    Okay, so I surmise that this story is metaphorically more or less about not allowing people/the world to throw you off course or not allowing them to knock the wind out of your sails, so to speak. Instead, you should stay the course and sail towards your goals and in the direction of optimism and what you believe to be true and righteous.

    They’ll find it though, it’s certain
    Although it may be a while

    They’ll learn to sink or swim
    Whether beaten…or defiled

    And when they finally claw
    Their way to shore upon my isle

    They find me half dead
    On my last breath with a smile
    Why? Did life beat you up? Did you take the harder, but more glorious path? Were the naysayers late to the party of understanding that you aquired earlier in your journeys? I'm a little confused here.

    As a whole this is a definitely a good piece of writing. And If it were just an OM I'd be far less critical of it. But as a battle verse I have to pick apart every fragment of inconsistency. Not that you had a lot. I thought you're vocabulary was exceptional. I loved the majority of your mechanics and your philosophical perspective made me want to pay attention to what you wrote.

    The only problem is, I felt it was a little unclear due to the fact it seemed to cover various intricacies of society. Thus, it was a little scatteted and less focused than I typically perfer. I guess. Idk. On the one hand, I like abstract and metaphorically verses and I don't need things to be forthright or spelled out for me, but on the other hand, I still need the piece to be grounded in something tangible and more comprehensive.

    In any case ...

    Vote -- Rude.

    Reason: I just felt she had a more streamlined and easier to follow story. Plus, her topical concept was wildly original. All other cats were a draw.

    Nice battle.
    Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; 01-09-2018 at 02:20 PM.

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