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  1. #1
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Round 2: Lemarchand [0] vs. [3] OrpheusTheMagician - Magician Has Won.



    Welcome to Round 2 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    Lemarchand


    VS.


    The Magician




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]


    @Lemarchand @OrpheusTheMagician


    Chosen Topic:


    2.


    CHECK INS ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13TH@11:59PM PST


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3RD @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Vlad; 12-12-2017 at 06:32 PM.

  2. #2
    Rookie OrpheusTheMagician's Avatar
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    Check, check.

    2, 4, 3, 1

  3. #3
    Rookie Lemarchand's Avatar
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    Check, lets go with 2

  4. #4
    Rookie OrpheusTheMagician's Avatar
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    Oeuf Immortel


    Enclosed within the depths of an egg shell
    an embryo transported from an isle similar to Cozumel,
    in Greece where the natives dwell,
    pardoned by the angel of death, Azriel
    an alpha male, in peak physical health
    evolved past those stages, skipped those phases
    was never a baby, capable to take care of himself
    one that excels, constantly prevails, prophesied to never fall short or fail
    feared most by Hades and the demons in hell

    Pay him homage by tribute
    he rebukes the astute, crude, rude and the shrewd
    refuses mammon collected and taxed from harlots and prostitutes
    preferred are hymns, manuscripts, and tunes played on pan flutes

    His birthing ceremony took place in the Parthenon
    prince of mount Olympus, a gift of the gods
    the fauns rejoice and celebrate in song
    well versed in the languages, Greek, Arabic and of Babylon
    to have been in the land of old, he still remains so young
    living life in the blink of an eye, light-speed, beyond the tachyon
    could have ran the race, instead he ran many marathons
    his days were long, they still are, the mileage has been tacked on
    the history books lost track, he walked many laps around the map
    his laughs are long and he laughs last
    the scholars were shocked, impacted at the fact,
    that his lungs never collapsed
    abs carved from stone artifact, chiseled in bistro,
    the gods cut the loose fat,
    his body is pulled pork, he's even shredded on his back

    Spoke testimonies, witnessed epiphanies, created symphonies
    crafted the housing of study for Socrates, Pythagoras and Euripides
    mastered the art of the tragedies
    having profound knowledge, wisdom, and deep understanding
    accomplishing tasks that mere mortals find taxing or physically demanding
    not the type for competing,
    whatever he set his mind to, he was capable of completing
    at the thought, he could sprout wings, and ascend above the kings

    The only thing he didn't have of his own was a queen
    feared the idea of an offspring, mercury in his genes
    freezes at the thought of matching with someone with mortality and their frailties
    not a fool with immortality, grasped the concept of empathy and sympathies
    Last edited by OrpheusTheMagician; 12-17-2017 at 05:22 PM.

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  6. #5
    Rookie Lemarchand's Avatar
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    Evol

    The Elohim taste the wonder of experience through us pieces, and the scenes must shift.
    A thousand years of suffering is but a nudging, too many lessons just let me bunk in bliss.
    Civilization’s evolution, the microcosm is like a sculptor chipping a two ton and the artistic juice is sin.
    During the Medieval the Black Death left half of Europe rotting in the fetal, the Great Work can be evil.
    Mankind triumphs with deep will, seeds blossom to the virus that we are, the beseeched filled.
    Modern labor; a subtler flavor, spoilt spawn coked up, caper.
    What their colonialist forebears did to my continent? They raped her.
    Bankers savor hidden castles while the peons plot…
    the have-nots dream of cots for their boney babes, the car lot worth a billion, to matter we're slaves.
    The gods whisper it’s just a stage… just a page.
    So I sit here with a vape somewhere in the Cape of Good Hope, pondering Viktor Frankl, how did those Jews cope?
    A new year a new struggle… seemingly so, I watch the feeble fumble in fours.
    Deep in your heart and brain you love the pain, we get that from our maker,
    the great masochist, the “Arch-acher”. As we trot along, the knots elaborate to puffy tumors.
    “It gets rougher” is the rumor,
    the Kabbalists say that the purpose of this game is for a creature to burgeon in eternal elation.
    May the veneer of balance be your station, the train you hop on ever-pristine, and then game makes sense.
    When time disintegrates and all that’s left is bliss till late the show negates.
    The flow inflates, the art radiates till all blemishes dissipate, and this in grace.
    So I stand alongside my fellow sapient with no pride, my eye on he who sires lies.
    Admire the prize, desire with cries.
    The Instrumentality project is just another object, running in aleph unlike a myriad comet moreover the stars.
    In fact you are the void that beckons the gods. With moon shaped feet step onto mars, this to applause.
    The play fans out like a deck of cards, there’s never pause, enter and exit some pretty doors.
    Marble by the foyers and angel-whores.
    Till experience has spent your force, find yourself as the utterly simplistic, you are the cause.
    Last edited by Lemarchand; 01-03-2018 at 05:01 PM.

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  8. #6
    Maestro of Multis
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    Ok so I am happy that you both leaned in the directed I expected to see this topic go
    which is biblical/mythological

    THE MAGICIAN

    Enclosed within the depths of an egg shell
    an embryo transported from an isle similar to Cozumel,
    in Greece where the natives dwell,
    pardoned by the angel of death, Azriel
    an alpha male, in peak physical health
    evolved past those stages, skipped those phases
    was never a baby, capable to take care of himself
    one that excels, constantly prevails, prophesied to never fall short or fail
    feared most by Hades and the demons in hell
    Loving the content right away (admittedly you threw me off with a french title)
    I feel like there might have been a little self projection littered throughout this
    piece, and that's cool, it makes it more personable.
    If I had to give critisism here, While it's easy to see that you have end rhymes
    if the cadence were a bit easier to follow would help, i.e. some slight
    multi-syllable rhyming would push this over the top. Not saying you have to go all out
    but 2-3 and sometimes 4 syllables is usually a sweet spot for flow.
    (granted I know it's a WRITTEN and not ON BEAT, but cadence can be spotted & followed)
    Pay him homage by tribute
    he rebukes the astute, crude, rude and the shrewd
    refuses mammon collected and taxed from harlots and prostitutes
    preferred are hymns, manuscripts, and tunes played on pan flutes
    Noted the self reflection here as well
    His birthing ceremony took place in the Parthenon
    prince of mount Olympus, a gift of the gods
    the fauns rejoice and celebrate in song
    well versed in the languages, Greek, Arabic and of Babylon
    to have been in the land of old, he still remains so young
    living life in the blink of an eye, light-speed, beyond the tachyon
    So (glad I clarified) - I'm getting the theme of Athena - being born grown
    Apollo - preferring music (while mentioning Pan)
    Hermes/Mercury for the speed/race etc.) so far.... I like it
    could have ran the race, instead he ran many marathons
    his days were long, they still are, the mileage has been tacked on
    the history books lost track, he walked many laps around the map
    his laughs are long and he laughs last
    the scholars were shocked, impacted at the fact,
    that his lungs never collapsed
    abs carved from stone artifact, chiseled in bistro,
    the gods cut the loose fat,
    his body is pulled pork, he's even shredded on his back
    anddd you even managed to throw a punchline into a topical
    "his body is pulled pork / even shredded on his back" like whatt.
    Spoke testimonies, witnessed epiphanies, created symphonies
    crafted the housing of study for Socrates, Pythagoras and Euripides
    mastered the art of the tragedies
    having profound knowledge, wisdom, and deep understanding
    accomplishing tasks that mere mortals find taxing or physically demanding
    not the type for competing,
    whatever he set his mind to, he was capable of completing
    at the thought, he could sprout wings, and ascend above the kings
    Again bringing back hints of Apollo and Athena here with the Knowledge-Wisdom/Art of Tragedies
    The only thing he didn't have of his own was a queen
    feared the idea of an offspring, mercury in his genes
    freezes at the thought of matching with someone with mortality and their frailties
    not a fool with immortality, grasped the concept of empathy and sympathies
    Overall an very entertaining piece, I obv. loved all of the Greek Pantheon references
    I'm going use the categories slightly different this time and see if that helps make my thought patterns more clear.

    Topic Consistency/Creativity - 10/10
    It's exactly what I personally wanted to see in a verse after seeing the picture

    Entertainment/Style - 7/10
    I feel like there could have been some changes to help boost the entertainment factor,
    one of those - I mentioned is being able to find a cadence so when you read it back or aloud
    it just kinda rolls/flow. (I know flow is a separate category and I'll get to that in a minute)

    Emotion - 7/10
    I sensed a lot of self reflection within the lines, and although it might be hard to relate to a God or someone who is built perfect, when you catch that writer's self-influence it's easier to relate to.

    Imagery - 7/10
    There were some great points of imagery, like the Pulled Pork/Shredded line

    Storytelling Devices - 6/10
    Felt more like a cliff notes of a story, while there was no plot aside from his being born, there wasn't anyone to have Dialogue with, the Narration was dope but there wasn't much of a conflict or parable to overcome except the last few lines about fearing having a child.
    Which just sort of ended with "he knows better than to fall for a mortal"

    Poetic Devices - 6/10
    There were alot of points of allusion, with the self reflection, I can see some allegory and hyperboles

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar - 8/10
    Vocab and spelling and grammar are on point but not over the top

    Flow/Pace - 7/10
    Like I had mentioned before a cadence would help some type of visable metronome
    to keep the pace more evened out would help

    Rhyme Scheme – 5/10
    While there were clear end rhymes and I appreciate it greatly, I had to dock points
    for the lack there of, for multis, and inners and all of the little things that could be done
    to spice the rhyme scheme up.

    63/90 or 70% not bad not bad



    LEMARCHAND

    First off, I like the title it might be a cliche at this point but backwards Love/Evol will always be dope in my book

    The Elohim taste the wonder of experience through us pieces, and the scenes must shift.
    A thousand years of suffering is but a nudging, too many lessons just let me bunk in bliss.
    Civilization’s evolution, the microcosm is like a sculptor chipping a two ton and the artistic juice is sin.
    During the Medieval the Black Death left half of Europe rotting in the fetal, the Great Work can be evil.
    Mankind triumphs with deep will, seeds blossom to the virus that we are, the beseeched filled.
    Right off the jump, I had a feeling that you were going to be biblical with it and I was not disappointed at all. Your vocab is intense, I just wish that it didn't overshadow the flow of reading it back. First sentence alone is 22 syallables followed by 24 and so on, it not bad, it just doesn't make it easy to roll from one line into the other. But there was some dope ass lines in there like "The Microcosm is like a sculptor, chipping a two ton (missing a word here?) and the artistic juice is sin"
    Modern labor; a subtler flavor, spoilt spawn coked up, caper.
    What their colonialist forebears did to my continent? They raped her.
    This was dope af.
    Bankers savor hidden castles while the peons plot…
    the have-nots dream of cots for their boney babes, the car lot worth a billion, to matter we're slaves.
    I'm not 100% a grammar nazi, but you definitely should have used a comma between To Matter and We're Slaves... so that it makes sense. Reading it without punctuation might ruin the wording for some.

    [quote]
    The gods whisper it’s just a stage… just a page.
    So I sit here with a vape somewhere in the Cape of Good Hope, pondering Viktor Frankl, how did those Jews cope?
    A new year a new struggle… seemingly so, I watch the feeble fumble in fours.[/quotes]
    Assuming based off the pattern you rhyme in, that the 'fours' in fumble of fours is pronounced like fo's. Your pattern is a different one, but it's easier to keep up with in these shorter lines.
    Deep in your heart and brain you love the pain, we get that from our maker,
    the great masochist, the “Arch-acher”. As we trot along, the knots elaborate to puffy tumors.
    “It gets rougher” is the rumor,
    the Kabbalists say that the purpose of this game is for a creature to burgeon in eternal elation.
    May the veneer of balance be your station,
    I like this
    the train you hop on ever-pristine, and then game makes sense.
    this part threw me off, like the first part is dope, but the 2nd half seems like there's a grammatical error or a missing word. like 'and then the game make sense' or 'and the end game makes sense' or something like that would have sounded a little better. (although I couldn't really find anything to rhyme this with (unless it's supposed to roll into the next line
    rhyming with 'left is bliss')
    When time disintegrates and all that’s left is bliss till late the show negates.
    The flow inflates, the art radiates till all blemishes dissipate, and this in grace.
    So I stand alongside my fellow sapient with no pride, my eye on he who sires lies.
    Admire the prize, desire with cries.
    I like this but I'm still getting the feeling of odd wording like "till late the show negates"
    I kind of wish you'd filled out the Admire the prize line - the two multis playing off of "sires lies" were cool but felt like they leading up to something, that's not present in the line.
    The Instrumentality project is just another object, running in aleph unlike a myriad comet moreover the stars.
    In fact you are the void that beckons the gods. With moon shaped feet step onto mars, this to applause.
    The play fans out like a deck of cards, there’s never pause, enter and exit some pretty doors.
    Marble by the foyers and angel-whores.
    Till experience has spent your force, find yourself as the utterly simplistic, you are the cause.
    this was a cool ending I feel like you probably could have went on with this topic but cut it short because of line/word limits

    So this was pretty dope overall, an odd pattern of rhyming but I followed as close as I could.

    Topic Consistency/Creativity - 10/10
    It's exactly what I personally wanted to see as far as a theme in a verse after seeing the picture (repeating what I said to Mage but it suited you both)

    Entertainment/Style - 7/10
    It was entertaining, I enjoyed reading this. I feel like the style is a bit off-putting for me here.

    Emotion -6/10
    The piece as a whole was dope but it seemed like a lot of facts or phrases to think about rather than emoting through the words.

    Imagery - 5/10
    I'm not blind to the descriptive language, like "the play fans out like a deck of cards" but aside
    from a few phrases similar to that, I didn't really get a mental image of what you were trying to project.

    Storytelling Devices - 5/10
    with the Picture + the Title I really thought we were going to get a fallen angel story or a paradise lost type of epic poem. I feel like this was a train of thought more than a story, which is cool, but I can't give full points for things that weren't present.

    Poetic Devices - 7/10
    I feel like you shined here brighter than most other categories

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar - 9/10
    Aside from a couple of oddly worded places I thought you did a good job in this dept.

    Flow/Pace - 7/10
    I was able to find the rhyme pattern, but took more of an effort to catch onto the pattern than it should

    Rhyme Scheme – 6/10
    you had some cool 2-3 syllable rhymes, and although the pattern was a little odd to me, I could definitely see the attempt.

    62/90 or 68.88% (round up to 69%)


    FYI the categories didn't make the call for me the battle was well matched and close in many ways. What tipped the scale for me, was the enjoyment factor. I was able to connect to Magician's more because of the personification he added to it. The categories just help explain my train of thought while reading both.

    MVGT - TheMagicican


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  10. #7
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Topic Consistency/creativity - Tie.

    Entertainment/Style - Magician.

    Emotion - Lemarchand.

    Imagery - Magician.

    Storytelling Devices - Magician.

    Poetic Devices - Lemarchand.

    Vocab/spelling/grammar - Tie.

    Flow/pace - Magician.

    Rhyme scheme - Lemarchand.

    Vote - Magician.

  11. #8
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    Mage

    Quote Originally Posted by OrpheusTheMagician View Post
    Enclosed within the depths of an egg shell
    an embryo transported from an isle similar to Cozumel,
    in Greece where the natives dwell,
    pardoned by the angel of death, Azriel
    an alpha male, in peak physical health
    evolved past those stages, skipped those phases
    was never a baby, capable to take care of himself
    one that excels, constantly prevails, prophesied to never fall short or fail
    feared most by Hades and the demons in hell
    Really strong start, I like that you keep the rhyme going through the entire section. The evolved past like kind of caught me of guard as it lay in opposition to the rest of the lines, but when I reread it, I got the flow and I think you made it work.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrpheusTheMagician View Post
    Pay him homage by tribute
    he rebukes the astute, crude, rude and the shrewd
    refuses mammon collected and taxed from harlots and prostitutes
    preferred are hymns, manuscripts, and tunes played on pan flutes
    personally I thought the `astute, crude, rude and the shrewd` was a bit over the top, but other than that I like this section

    Quote Originally Posted by OrpheusTheMagician View Post
    His birthing ceremony took place in the Parthenon
    prince of mount Olympus, a gift of the gods
    the fauns rejoice and celebrate in song
    well versed in the languages, Greek, Arabic and of Babylon
    to have been in the land of old, he still remains so young
    living life in the blink of an eye, light-speed, beyond the tachyon
    could have ran the race, instead he ran many marathons
    his days were long, they still are, the mileage has been tacked on
    the history books lost track, he walked many laps around the map
    his laughs are long and he laughs last
    the scholars were shocked, impacted at the fact,
    that his lungs never collapsed
    abs carved from stone artifact, chiseled in bistro,
    the gods cut the loose fat,
    his body is pulled pork, he's even shredded on his back
    I really like this section, I enjoy how long you carry on your rhymes for, and also some of the words and imagery you use are very fitting

    Quote Originally Posted by OrpheusTheMagician View Post
    Spoke testimonies, witnessed epiphanies, created symphonies
    crafted the housing of study for Socrates, Pythagoras and Euripides
    mastered the art of the tragedies
    having profound knowledge, wisdom, and deep understanding
    accomplishing tasks that mere mortals find taxing or physically demanding
    not the type for competing,
    whatever he set his mind to, he was capable of completing
    at the thought, he could sprout wings, and ascend above the kings
    That first bar was super dope, and a good section to follow it. Maybe could have messed with the formatting a bit so that the syllable counts weren't so all over the place, but overall didn't take away from it too much.

    Quote Originally Posted by OrpheusTheMagician View Post
    The only thing he didn't have of his own was a queen
    feared the idea of an offspring, mercury in his genes
    freezes at the thought of matching with someone with mortality and their frailties
    not a fool with immortality, grasped the concept of empathy and sympathies
    From a technical standpoint I did like this ending. I thought the end rhymes on the last bar could have been a bit stronger to end a piece, but my main concern is that this section felt like a pretty abrupt departure from the rest of the piece. This can be fine in an ending, but I feel like if you wanted to do that maybe it could have been fleshed out a bit more.

    Lemarchand

    Quote Originally Posted by Lemarchand View Post
    The Elohim taste the wonder of experience through us pieces, and the scenes must shift.
    A thousand years of suffering is but a nudging, too many lessons just let me bunk in bliss.
    Civilization’s evolution, the microcosm is like a sculptor chipping a two ton and the artistic juice is sin.
    During the Medieval the Black Death left half of Europe rotting in the fetal, the Great Work can be evil.
    Nice start. I particularly like the flow of the last line.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lemarchand View Post
    Mankind triumphs with deep will, seeds blossom to the virus that we are, the beseeched filled.
    Modern labor; a subtler flavor, spoilt spawn coked up, caper.
    What their colonialist forebears did to my continent? They raped her.
    Bankers savor hidden castles while the peons plot…
    the have-nots dream of cots for their boney babes, the car lot worth a billion, to matter we're slaves.
    The gods whisper it’s just a stage… just a page.
    So I sit here with a vape somewhere in the Cape of Good Hope, pondering Viktor Frankl, how did those Jews cope?
    A new year a new struggle… seemingly so, I watch the feeble fumble in fours.
    Deep in your heart and brain you love the pain, we get that from our maker,
    the great masochist, the “Arch-acher”. As we trot along, the knots elaborate to puffy tumors.
    “It gets rougher” is the rumor,
    Your focus on inner rhymes is cool, there are a bunch of places in here where i see those same syllables come up, but I do think they took away from your end rhymes a bit. I did like the alliteration in feeble fumble in

    Quote Originally Posted by Lemarchand View Post
    the Kabbalists say that the purpose of this game is for a creature to burgeon in eternal elation.
    May the veneer of balance be your station, the train you hop on ever-pristine, and then game makes sense.
    When time disintegrates and all that’s left is bliss till late the show negates.
    The flow inflates, the art radiates till all blemishes dissipate, and this in grace.
    That last bar bar is super dope. Well done on the whole section.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lemarchand View Post
    So I stand alongside my fellow sapient with no pride, my eye on he who sires lies.
    Admire the prize, desire with cries.
    The Instrumentality project is just another object, running in aleph unlike a myriad comet moreover the stars.
    In fact you are the void that beckons the gods. With moon shaped feet step onto mars, this to applause.
    The play fans out like a deck of cards, there’s never pause, enter and exit some pretty doors.
    Marble by the foyers and angel-whores.
    Till experience has spent your force, find yourself as the utterly simplistic, you are the cause.
    Strong ending, your rhymes are cool and you paint some pretty pictures for my brain. However, I got to the end here and wonder a little about what the message was? There was a lot of cool content in there, but I didn't get a clear signal or see evolution over the piece.

    Topic Consistency/Creativity – Mage

    Entertainment/Style – Mage

    Emotion – Lemarchand

    Imagery – Mage

    Storytelling Devices - Mage

    Poetic Devices – Lemarchand

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar – Tie

    Flow/Pace – Tie

    Rhyme Scheme – Lemarchand

    Super close battle. In the end what it came down to was seeing the topic and what I thought was on overall more masterfully executed piece that told a captivating story, and for that:

    MVGT: The Magician

  12. #9
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    The Magician has won. Dope battle guys.

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