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  1. #1
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us

    Round 1: Ocktavius vs. EUNIQE - Ocktavius WINS by KO



    Welcome to Round 1 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    Ocktavius


    VS.


    EUNIQE




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]



    TOPIC:

    The Labyrinth



    Please CHECK IN and figure out a topic between yourself and your opponent, preferably within the first 48 hours


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22ND @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS

    @Ocktavius @EUNIQE



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by wes ghost; 11-05-2017 at 11:33 AM.

  2. #2
    Rookie EUNIQE's Avatar
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    We can go on Discord and figure out the topic if our topics don't line up @Ocktavius

  3. #3
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    Awards PhilanthropistOne Of Us
    yo i agree, 4 af

  4. #4
    Rookie EUNIQE's Avatar
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    You raised me with everything from pain to dedication
    Even when my cousin Richie had a commitment to medication's mass consumption
    You help men struggling in prison with reformation
    Workin’ every day for social reasons, cookin’ hot dinners with love sprinkled in
    Usually your brain is active in construction of a way to mend desecrations
    But lately you're mixing up names and hinting
    “if I ever go crazy pull the plug” what are you saying?
    “I don't want you seeing me like that wasting” but you're my mother
    “My mind might start slipping” you're somebody I'll never murder
    “Is it really murder if it's my wishes you're fulfilling?” I decided to ignore her
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I'm trying to remember, what's your name Cole?
    No it's Patrick, Cole's my brother are you mentally whole?
    I got a sound in my head, what's making it I can't get it out
    Probably just a song, it's not important go see Dr. Decker
    Alright, honey but I'm not sure if I'll remember

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    You didn't make it to Cole’s birthday, how are you your brains slave?
    I had to drive four hours to pick him up with an uneaten cake
    Sobbing on the pave terrified you were enwrapped with hate
    But all I see is confusion and mystery painted on your face
    Your reality displaced and even as you waste with a faint pace it can barely even trace
    So I try to paint you a picture with metaphors and vocal chords
    But all you do is blankly stare or scream like your mind is laced
    To the point your eyes are missing, totally sunken into your sallow face
    I try not to sob wanting you to say my name, but nothing's came
    I try to give her an embrace to tell my mother I love her but she attempts to escape as her neck cranes
    I don't recognize the monster that infests this labyrinth the doctors call the Cortex
    I watch rain as it hits the hospital's panes
    I feel like I've been hit and crushed by a train
    But nothing will overtake the pain I feel when your monitors siren rang

  5. #5
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    Awards PhilanthropistOne Of Us
    The Minotaur: Think Outside the Box

    Masterfully marooned in a mental maze,
    The beast beautifully awaits the end of days;
    So many choices, but which way will he wander?
    Ultimately instead of walking, he'll balk and ponder.

    "No matter where I go I end up where I started,
    There's nothing in this game but an ending, broken hearted;
    I can take lefts and rights and continue ad infinitum,
    Only to find myself bereft, in fright, emerging at the start again."


    With knowledge of his inner beast, he wonders why he's here,
    Thoughts of rotting in a cage make him confront his inner fear;
    Stumbling and bumbling, the Minotaur fumbles in despair,
    Lost without a cause, he begins a mumbled prayer.

    "God, for Heaven's sake I wished not to be born this way,
    But I accept my curse, and continue to fight my fate;
    Guide me through this winding web of woes this day,
    And from the righteous path, I promise I will not stray."


    His rousing mind lists and turns as his emotions untwist and burn,
    He bows down to let in notions -- the stars wished this, for him to learn.
    As the prayers are answered, the creature's soul surges with insight,
    The walls may hold space laterally, but the mind, it can take flight.

    "Now I see that this place in which I live is a lie,
    I am surrounded by corpses who are promised to die;
    I will not go quietly into the night, I will fly,
    Away into the heavens, I will shine the mind's eye."


    With a heavenly stomp and roar, suddenly the surfaces start shimmering,
    The facades fall down, and with purposes, the heart's no longer hindering;
    From behind the beast, the spirit of Icarus makes wax wings unfold,
    The bequest buys the clearest deliverance to fly the skies untold.

    "Lord, I've learned my lesson that there exists choices to question,
    But the deepest concession is that paths only consist of oppression.
    I've spent most of my life systematically navigating this strifed course,
    And now away I can freely fly cathartically liberating my life force."

  6. #6
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    Hola you two! These were fun to read, very different styles. I know Ock is fairly new to the writing game, and haven't read much if anything from Eunique...so this was a great little intro to both of you from a writing perspective. Let's break this shit down!

    Topic Consistency/Creativity-Eunique-I think his approach took a little more outside the box thinking. Ock had a definite "maze/labyrinth/minotaur" feel to his piece, which isn't bad AT ALL, it just is a bit of a direct interpenetration of the topic. That being said, I like the minotaur's struggle with identity and his desire to make a life of his own...really neat. I think at the end of the day, Eunique just really took a slightly more creative approach to the topic.

    Entertainment/Style-Ock-I think Ock, especially for being so new to writing in this format, really showed some potential here. Solid grasp on dialogue, setting, all the little tools that show the makings of a good writer. This section:

    His rousing mind lists and turns as his emotions untwist and burn,
    He bows down to let in notions -- the stars wished this, for him to learn.
    As the prayers are answered, the creature's soul surges with insight,
    The walls may hold space laterally, but the mind, it can take flight.


    ^^^was my favorite of the piece...started playing with internal rhyme schemes a little...very poetic. Seemed like you found your pace here. Some other parts fell off a little bit, but I could tell where you were going with this. Nicely done.

    Eunique was definitely entertaining, and the story drew me in...it was heart wrenching...but the style was a little off putting for me at times. Like here:

    You raised me with everything from pain to dedication
    Even when my cousin Richie had a commitment to medication's mass consumption
    You help men struggling in prison with reformation
    Workin’ every day for social reasons, cookin’ hot dinners with love sprinkled in
    Usually your brain is active in construction of a way to mend desecrations


    ^^^I think if you restructured this it would read so much more fluidly. Something like:

    You raised me with everything from pain to dedication
    Even when my cousin Richie had a commitment to medication's
    mass consumption You help men struggling in prison with reformation << adding "mass consumption" into the next line, you allow the end rhyme to stand out, helping with flow
    Workin’ every day for social reasons, cookin’ hot dinners with love sprinkled in <<<< this line needs rework, as it doesn't really fit into the flow of the stanza

    Usually your brain is active in construction of a way to mend desecrations <<< you fall back into the rhyme scheme here, which is kind of off putting, as one would expect this to end in the "sprinkled in" rhyme pattern.

    Things don't HAVE to have end rhymes...but they do have to flow...it has to have a rhythm to it, at least in this format.

    Emotion-Eunique-I think for obvious reasons. The feeling of losing a loved one to dementia/Alzheimer's etc. is just a guttural pain that is incomparable. You captured that really well here, and tied it together so nicely in that last line.

    Imagery-TIE--I think that both of you could use a little more word painting in these pieces. What are you seeing? What's the color of the maze, or the hospital room...Eunique touched a bit on this when he was talking about the mother's sunken eyes...and Ock did as well with Icarus' wax wings and in some other points...but neither of you really made me without a doubt visualize what they were experiencing. This is probably one of the hardest categories to wow me with, but when done right...it's one of if not THE most powerful tool you can use. Tolkien, Rowling, Tracy Hickman, Margaret Weiss, Dan Brown...just to name a few...are authors whose stories would be shadows of what they are if not for the vivid story telling. The right descriptive word can change the entire tone of your piece.

    Storytelling Devices-TIE-Hate to do this again, but you actually both showed to be quite adept at telling a story. Which is awesome! That's the first skill to hone...convey your thoughts in a way that is traceable and clear. I think Ock was more straight forward in his story telling, where as it seemed that Eunique kinda took a second to find his stride...but both of you show skill at being bards, and that's commendable.

    Poetic Devices-Eunique- This section right here won this for you, in my opinion:

    Sobbing on the pave terrified you were enwrapped with hate
    But all I see is confusion and mystery painted on your face
    Your reality displaced and even as you waste with a faint pace it can barely even trace
    So I try to paint you a picture with metaphors and vocal chords
    But all you do is blankly stare or scream like your mind is laced
    To the point your eyes are missing, totally sunken into your sallow face
    I try not to sob wanting you to say my name, but nothing's came
    I try to give her an embrace to tell my mother I love her but she attempts to escape as her neck cranes


    ^^^Paint you a picture with metaphors and vocal chords. Such a cool line. Mystery painted on your face....these are awesome lines. Great use of poetic devices. There's some polish that needs to be done, but it's soooooo close, close enough to make me admire what you were doing.

    Ock, you had a SOLID grasp on internal dialogue, which is a HUGE poetic device...but other than a few, like "heavenly stomp and roar", you really didn't really pull out the stops on the devices tip. It was dope, don't get me wrong, but when votes start coming in...read the people's verses that score well in this category. The use of little things like alliteration, setting, metaphors, dialogue (internal and external), foreshadowing, personification...etc...these little tricks can make a piece soooo dope.

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar--TIE--I'm not going to touch too much on this. You both didn't fuck up hard in the spelling/grammar sense...and vocab was pretty average across the board. The big one in this category to me is VOCAB. if you can nail use of dope words that also don't inspire the reader to use the dictionary...that's dope. Sometimes it's cool to look up a word you never knew and be like...damn...that's dope. But most the time, it's using words everyone knows in a way no one ever would that makes vocab a home run for me.

    Flow/Pace--Ock--This is where Eunique's structure and flow sort of started hurting him to me. All it takes is awkward wording to pull the reader right out of your piece. And that's lame, because the story Eunique was telling was sooo dope...if you would have nailed the flow...it would be nearly unbeatable...emotional pieces like that are hard to beat when the person also nails the flow and rhyme schemes...but in this case, you fell short. We already touched on it a bit above, but here as well:

    I try not to sob wanting you to say my name, but nothing's came
    I try to give her an embrace to tell my mother I love her but she attempts to escape as her neck cranes
    I don't recognize the monster that infests this labyrinth the doctors call the Cortex
    I watch rain as it hits the hospital's panes
    I feel like I've been hit and crushed by a train
    But nothing will overtake the pain I feel when your monitors siren rang


    ^^^Like...the word Cortex...while a great vocab word in its right...the word brain actually RHYMES. Why not use it? Or, instead of saying "neck cranes/cortex" say "craned neck/cortex" which actually rhymes a little better. Anyway, you get it...fix up the flow and rhyme scheme and you're golden.

    Ock, you actually did really well here. Not bad at all for your first long piece. My big thing would be work on internal rhymes to make the piece flow better...you tried in some spots, but all in all the flow was predictable.

    Rhyme Scheme--Ock--Pretty much already touched on this. But even though Ock's rhyme scheme was predictable, and basic at times....he stuck with it...ya know? Eunique was a little all over the place, which unfortunately took away from what was a great story.

    Vote--Ock--

    Dude, awesome first showing in my opinion! You have a few things to work on: Internal rhymes, being more descriptive, incorporating some other devices, etc. but for a first long piece? Fuckin dope man. Great read...thanks for being a part of this!


    Eunique...your story should have and could have WON this for you. Alone. That was a truly heartfelt and amazing story...and you captured the mother's (not sure if yours) decline so beautifully...really you did. The flow and rhyming really just made the piece hard to follow for me...it was choppy...and as such made me feel detached from the piece. Work on your flow and rhyming while keeping your dope ass story telling ability, and you'll be a tremendous writer!

    -DKON
    Last edited by D.K.O.N.; 11-29-2017 at 09:12 AM.

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  8. #7
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    AUDIO VOTE:

    For some reason my volume is low af, hope ya'll turn your shit up enough to hear it.


    Topic/Consistency: Ock

    Entertainment: Ock

    Emotion: Eunique

    Storytelling Devices: Ock

    Poetic Devices: Ock

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar: Tie

    Flow/Pace: Ock

    Rhyme Scheme: Ock

    VOTE - Ocktavius
    Last edited by Vlad; 11-29-2017 at 02:57 PM. Reason: Switched To YouTube Upload

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  10. #8
    Maestro of Multis
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    Eunique -
    I love how had a creative 'outside-the-box' approach to this topic. I had several different theories on how the topic could be done, but being trapped inside one's mind due to sickness had not crossed my thoughts. I feel like this was either personal for you or at the
    very least, you made it SEEM personal. Adding names, playing the character that has to watch
    this disease deteriorate his mother's mind - all excellent ways to convey the emotion and use
    storytelling devices. I feel like you went more for the emotion and storytelling here than anything and rhyme scheme/flow suffered a bit for it. It was a truely heart-wrenching story though.



    Octavius -
    From the jump the first thing I notice is the alliteration and flow. So even though going the route of the minotaur/mythology - I still wouldn't have thought of this either which was a cool surprise. I loved the twist at the end. The poetic devices used throughout, the storytelling. This was fantastic for a first full length piece. I seen some spots where a little work on syntax could benefit you but overall - great showing.





    Topic Consistency/Creativity – I think you both stayed on topic (although different) I think Euniqe was very left field and less predictable here, but Ock had a great twist at the end. I think Euniqe could benefit from formatting a little better, cutting the line at the rhyme can help. I know there were some (at a loss for better comparative) Royce style wording there (where he will start a rhyme scheme early in the line, jump to an internal, then come back to the orginal rhyme) At the end of the day gotta go with EUNIQE here.

    Entertainment/Style – OCKTAVIUS - the cleaner flow, focused rhyme schemes made this easier to draw me in.

    Emotion – EUNIQE - dude if you apply your storytelling & ability to evoke this kind of emotion while implementing more consistent rhyme schemes? psh you're gonna be KO'ing ppl quick.

    Imagery – TIE - I think you both focused on what things feel like describing inner monologue and dialogue thoughts/emotions. Which was cool but would have been nice to have both pieces have more scene building.

    Storytelling Devices - Damn, this is a close one. On one hand I got emotional narrative from the POV of someone watching their mother suffer, on the other I have an epic narrator/character monologue that has a surprising twist at the end. I think OCKTAVIUS has a slight edge here.

    Poetic Devices – OCKTAVIUS - that's not saying you didn't have it Euniqe, but I feel like this is where Ock shined the brightest.

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar – TIE - Ock did have the slight edge on use of vocab but I cannot discredit Euniqe here because he bumped his vocab up when it was called for. I don't recall any immediate spelling/grammatical errors.

    Flow/Pace – OCKTAVIUS - Euniqe I totally get your flow - I feel like it was slightly less consistent in this case though. The way Ock wrote - I didn't have to find the flow, it was just there.

    Rhyme Scheme – OCKTAVIUS - pretty much the same reasons as above.

    This was a good showing from both of you, the categories didn't really influence my decision because I see it still being a lot closer than it appears by the categories. But I filled that out to help show what areas you both shined in and where any areas could be improved. (not saying write TO the categories just use them as a guideline of implimenting new tricks)

    MVGT - Ocktavius


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  12. #9
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Ocktavius has won 3-0. Great battle fellas.
    Last edited by Vlad; 11-29-2017 at 02:56 PM.

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