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  1. #1
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us

    Round 1: Ness vs. Sammy --- Ness wins 3-1



    Welcome to Round 1 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    Ness


    VS.


    Sammy




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]



    Topic:


    1.


    Please CHECK IN and figure out a topic between yourself and your opponent, preferably within the first 48 hours


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22ND @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS

    @Ness @Sammy



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Vlad; 12-04-2017 at 10:37 AM.

  2. #2
    The Dr. Ness's Avatar
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    Check AF. Good luck bro, this bout to be hella suspenseful!
    preference:
    it's gotta be the 1, cause #2's for pencils
    (really tho, 1324 tbh)

  3. #3
    An Writer
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    Check. 1 is cool with me also. G/l

  4. #4
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    Same Song
    By Sammy

    "Here comes the rain again...
    falling on my head like a tra..."

    Sweet Sandy,

    just a byproduct of family trips
    Rain drops trickling against weathered vanes Shifting
    Hazardous
    Hydroplane
    sporadic pattern
    Unsuspecting; chafing left, right…

    LEFT! LEFT..!!

    Left right in a ditch. Two gone.
    Mortality clipped at the corner
    Just the right angle
    “Move on”
    Life never seems to be good enough….for too long
    A misty cool Morning; Methuselah emitting a sigh
    Grasping Gaia’s promises emblazoned on Seminole spine
    Every page every rhyme
    She would say “you'll be fine..”
    Not this day. An acrid grey; Sandy parlayed with the silence.

    Rain droplets trickled in withered veins.
    Acid incumbent. Perusing a mask; so redundant
    A sliver. A trace, of sunny days amidst thundering haze;
    She chased the numbness
    Sweet needle digging the junction

    At a crossroad where cars lumber and sway
    Soft groan soften over time. Grown feature
    Poised pantomime. Dark days
    Umbrella’d against humorless sky
    Opened bottles arranged atop a fireplace
    'cause here it comes again
    Mirror ceilings. high glance.
    A fine illusory pitch of infinity’s gaze.
    pinch, swallow, repeat...the same song
    a broken record...
    broken
    but a spoon and a fume was all it would take
    “Smoke and mirror”
    She wanted out…
    Out of this place

    A cool synopsis
    Where the props sits on the mantle
    Nestled right above the fire pit
    We’re all liars
    Living on smoke and mirror
    Masked. Parchment papers and vanity’s grip
    Ironic name serves to reflect the many acres
    Pervasive; marching the land of the myths
    Can u handle it?

    Self Activate Enoch Nigma Alice Rude Sammy Genocide The iLL 1

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  6. #5
    The Dr. Ness's Avatar
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    7 am - Alarm Clock Ringing

    Though groggy, I awaken
    Still, silent I remain in
    my thoughts as the day 'gins.
    Remembering the day you were taken
    leaving nothing but devistation

    I look outside... Today its raining
    The type of day I used to love to stay in,
    bc even dull moments with you left my heart racing.
    It was just the two of us, but now I hate it.
    Cause now I'm all alone and my soul's aching

    8 am - Getting Ready

    I get up, with the need to regain,
    composure, something to ease the pain
    Then a realiazation hits and I see the way
    With a grin i get ready to sieze the day

    9 am - I leave

    Laughing at those who say love dies, knowing they're full of it.
    As I grab my phone, wallet pick and up my sullivan
    Stare at it in my hand an sigh as I holster it.
    Hands trembling as I struggle to lace up each shoe
    and fix myself in a mirror & make sure I look clean-smooth.
    Then grab your umbrella and head out the door, excited to see you


    9:25 am - I arrive

    This place seems like home, im here every thursday
    alone as I come to visit you, second row, third grave.
    Slowly it becomes clear to me, I see no other way
    I reach back for my gun, tired of this absurd pain
    Terified, I reconsider. Scared how the dirt tastes
    But I press the barrel to my head, remembering your face
    Knowing i finally get to see it again, today is the day
    This is the greatest gift I can give.... We're together now

    9:30 am - Happy birthday

  7. #6
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    topic consistency/creativity: Sammy

    entertainment/style: Sammy

    emotion: Ness

    imagery: Sammy

    Storytelling Devices: Ness

    Poetic Devices: Sammy

    spelling/vocab/grammar: Sammy

    flow/pace: Ness

    rhyme scheme: Ness

    VOTE - Sammy

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  9. #7
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    Entertainment/Style Tie. Two divergent styles and conceptual routes that both did their own thing.

    Emotion Tie. Ness was more direct with his usage but both were emotionally charges reads.

    Imagery Ness. I flip-flopped on this one. Was going to cop out with another tie but Ness gets it for being a bit more consistent with the imagery. Both had standout sections of vivid picture painting.

    Storytelling Devices - Ness. The structure chosen allowed a more neatly and organised presentation of the story.

    Poetic Devices Sammy. Recipricating what was said in the Imagery category, both showed poetic prowess however Sammy was more consistent with his poetic verbiage .

    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar Sammy. Grammar was a non issue but Sammy had a vocab advantage.

    Flow/Pace Tie. Both did there thing. Sammy's flow as like a water molecule, and Ness was more like melting snow. Both fluid, Ness with more structure, but Sammy was more flexible.

    Rhyme Scheme Tie. Sammy was more complex but Ness' structure didn't detriment him.


    Sammy, your flow and the progression of it reminded me of a raindrop trickling down leaves towards the ground. It's movements never expected, but it's path conveyed your message naturally. I feel your story got a little hazy for me, no pun intended, about half way through. A bit more directness/clarity would have resonated more with me personally. The accident was conveyed well but I can't say with confidence what happened in the latter half. Seems like a bit of drug misuse and stuff and things. I still quite enjoyed reading it, but context could have helped me enjoy it more.


    Ness, I feel you had a more organised verse and a better conceptual angle. Less flashy than your opponent which worked for you. You wrote a clear story enhanced with solid visuals. The 2 word descriptions of action at the different times helped set up the section and was subtle part of the verse I really liked. The line ended in 'clean-smooth' was wordy and one of few examples that could have been polished but overall a pretty strong verse. The way you withheld info until the end of the verse was executed well.


    I liked the conceptual direction of Ness better but the presentation of Sammy better. The story generated by Ness seems to be one with the topic picture, Sammy's verse seemed to be loosely inspired by it but lacked cohesion. This is a very close one but after several re-reads, leaning towards Ness. I liked the way he laid his verse out and the ending left more impact.

    +1 Ness

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  11. #8
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    will vote on this when i get home tonight

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  13. #9
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    Vote = Ness
    Hear it here https://clyp.it/mcjafn0i

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  15. #10
    sultan of syntax wes ghost's Avatar
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    Topic Consistency/Creativity -- TIE -- Both were creative and neither took a direction I saw coming. Props to both for this.




    Entertainment/Style -- NESS -- I don't know if it's my fault or what, but i just couldn't find the flow in your piece sammy


    It kills me cause it feels like a really smart and poetic piece but I genuinely just did not full "grasp" it. Ness' felt a bit too easy at times, but there were a couple sections that were fantastic and the ending was dope AF. Took this cat for me.




    Emotion -- TIE -- Sad motherfuckers. Jesus. This was heavy AF....especially since sammy forced the Eurythmics into my head with his intro, haha. Well played on that one sam. I heard rain and that melody the entire time i read both pieces. Oddly enough, it worked just as well for Ness' piece. You both really spotlighted your ability to write emotionally charged pieces really well <3




    Imagery -- TIE -- Sammy had a piece chock full of imagery but it wasn't really painting an overall picture for me so much as lots of little descriptions. Ness went a much more direct and fairly simpler route but painted the picture none the less.




    Story Telling Devices-- NESS -- Was much much easier to follow. Sammy, your piece reminded me of my old writing.....I knew where the lines connected and I, personally, knew where it was all going and going to end up, and would get resentful and frustrated when I saw that people didn't get it or weren't following it. It felt like the obvious reaction was to blame the reader and view them as stupid and beneath me....but the reality was.....the reader wasn't in my head...how could they know WHY all the lines REALLY DID CONNECT? There is no way they could have. I felt like that, here, with yours. I just didn't really follow it...the story or the rhyme scheme :/


    Ness, on the other hand, left no room for misinterpretation. Again, it felt a tad simple, but people use that word when describing a lot of my work ALL THE TIME. So simple doesn't mean shit, thats for sure. I thought that, while all the sections were simple, some were done brilliantly and others just actually felt simple. Time was an issue though, so i'm impressed with what you got out in general bruh.




    Poetic Devices -- SAMMY -- Well, come on.




    Vocab/Spelling/Grammar -- SAMMY -- Not because sammy's piece felt "smarter", which i think a lot of people will end up using as the definition for this cat, but because there was more effort into the wording, seemingly. Not going to say that as an absolute, but it definitely felt like the words sammy used were designed to contain feeling.....like every single word. Ness' was used more to shape a picture in each section.....sammy's words were all pictures.....albeit confusing ones <3




    Flow/Pace -- NESS -- For me, this was quite a landslide. I just couldn't find the flow in sammy's, save for the 2nd section. I said it under my breath, like self activate always suggests, and even with finding a slant here and there....I just couldnt ever find an actual rhythm. I'm not saying it wasn't there.....I'm just saying that in reading it 3 times....i never found it :/


    Ness takes this for simplicity and consistency.




    Rhyme Scheme -- NESS -- the 2-3 syllable multis worked and helped drive home the rhythm. You didn't really venture out from the initial scheme all that much, but it was consistent and done as well as it could have been.




    Vote -- NESS




    This one was odd for me. It was a piece that felt smarter than me......but I'm also smart enough to know that leaving the reader feeling that way doesn't usually work out in the writer's benefit......all of my initial writings were like that and i LOST people left and right. On the other hand, we had a piece that felt, in my honest opinion, a bit too simple. I get how and why that happened though, so im not going to waste our time talking about stepping up the overall production quality, cause i think it goes without saying that you, ness, are quite aware and that you also had your reasoning...which I would agree with.


    I think I wanted a bit more from this battle. I got sad, so kudos to you both on making an emo guy more emo, but I just felt like I wanted to be a bit more blown away. Sammy, maybe we can jump in voice in the next few days and you can read this to me. I genuinely WANT to hear the rhythm and am hoping that will help me down the road as i read more pieces from you, but as far as this week goes....I could not find it. I'm sorry man. I hope you don't get discouraged, cause I love you like a brother and I think you could have/should have won this. You still might! My opinion is my own and shouldn't shape anyone elses. Maybe I'm the one idiot that couldn't find the flow, who knows, haha. I'm so incredibly far from perfect, so it wouldn't surprise me if i dropped the ball on this one. If that IS the case....I'm terribly sorry.


    Ness, I LOVED the ending man. Gimme a bit more next time though, as opposed to just a DOPE idea. Not gonna dive into it, like i said, cause we both know what kind of week(s) you had coming up into this round. Good shit tho fam.


    Love you both <3







    r.i.p. jonny & luna
    cloak&dagger


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