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  1. #1
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us

    Round 1: Krowned Kris - *Only Feed If You've Voted All Others*



    Welcome to Round 1 of The OnlyOne Writing League!





    Treacherous


    VS.


    Krowned Kris




    Line Limit: Maximum: 40 Lines/400 words


    [Rules Are Here]


    [Voting Categories Explained]



    Please list the topics in order of preference. 1-4. Here are your choices:


    1.

    2.


    3. Thought You Were...


    4. Unworldly Evasion



    Please CHECK IN and figure out a topic between yourself and your opponent, preferably within the first 48 hours


    VERSES ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22ND @ 11:59 PM PST


    THERE WILL BE NO EXTENSIONS

    @Treacherous @Krowned Kris



    VOTING:

    * Verified Voters will be the only ones voting. You're welcome.
    * They will be doing one or the other of the following methods:


    An in-depth breakdown of each verse

    -or-

    The categorical break down chart

    * Which can be found HERE


    We hope everyone has a great round!

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Vlad; 11-01-2017 at 02:03 PM.

  2. #2
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    My preferential order is:
    4
    1
    2
    3

  3. #3
    Doom Bringer Treacherous's Avatar
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    Awards One Of Us
    Quote Originally Posted by Krowned Kris View Post
    My preferential order is:
    4
    1
    2
    3
    Would you do 2? If not 4 is cool

  4. #4
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    @Treacherous... 2 is fine

  5. #5
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    The Myth About The Tree of Death



    "What should I tell him?"



    "The truth will sadden him while only part of it will make his day.
    The pain would hate to stay, then drain his shame until it fades away."




    I sit and stare and watch my daughter play beside the "Tree of Death".
    I know that's but a myth to keep you far from beauty's gaze.
    I've traversed a loopy maze of those who swear that is the truth.
    Spare your glare, it isn't true. It's used to scare the stupid youth.
    My daughter got cancer at such an unruly age.
    I was truly phased, worried by the danger of Julie's stage.
    He handed me the folder, I pictured her getting older.
    Saw her future in my hands but couldn't bare to view the news.




    "I've come to a decision....



    I know your scared to see what lurks inside.
    I'm betting deep within the back you've had the answer in your mind,
    But fear not you lucky man because the cancer is benign!"



    The people who believe the tree is evil think the world's forgiving too.
    As I've said, it's but a rumor since my girl is living proof!
    She lives another day to jump from surfaced root to surfaced root.
    And rearrange the lifeless leaves to simulate a perfect loop.
    She lives another day to watch the darkened clouds approach.
    And she get's to live it lively without fear and purpose too!




    The Truth About The Tree of Death




    "There's no grass around the tree, nor a plant or slimey worm.
    Not a bird, not a squirrel, just a sad untimely urn.
    Everything it touches slowly dies and it's to blame.
    That's why I must confess why I have had these fits of shame.
    It's been a poison ever since the seed has hit the plain.
    Anything that's touched the trunk has ended swift and slain.
    It's the razor blade the earth has used to calmly slit a vain.
    That's why I'm sad to say that Julie's on the list of names."

    .....I said to the mirror with tears in my eyes




    "What did you tell him?"


    "The cancer was the only thing that needed addressing.
    Then he told me how his daughter will be just as stoked.
    At first I thought, "well maybe he just hugs her ghost."
    Then he said that she's still thanking god and counting her blessings.
    If I would've told him everything, it would've been depressing
    After her death, I'm assuming that he must've broke.
    So I left out the little part where his dementia is progressing,
    Now he can die holding who he loves the most."

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  7. #6
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    here ya feedback fam

    https://clyp.it/hwwhu5kp

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  9. #7
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us

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  11. #8
    Maestro of Multis
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    First and formost I just want to point out that I enjoyed the fact you split the conversation pieces up and divided them, not only with space but with color as well. I think people catch alot of flak sometimes for doing this saying it's 'being too decorative' but I enjoy not having to think about who's saying which parts. (that's not a strike against those who don't do this, just saying I like it even though I don't always do it myself.)

    So the picture is cool I could see alot of angles that could be played on this one....

    so far the first orange couplet. i like the pace those rapid 2-3 syllable schemes
    make for an easy catch on the flow.

    ok 1st yellow stanza - getting right into the picture itself...
    at first glance I thought you forgot to make an end rhyme because I immediately compared
    'tree of death and beauty's gaze' upon closer inspection I see that it's meant
    to follow up to fades away/daughter play/beauty's gaze... at least that's how I seen it.
    that's dope I like the poetic language.
    ahh I like the inner rhymes/assonance you used in the second set of lines here.
    the 'spare your glare' line flowed so well folowing the 'swear that is the truth' line.
    ah I can totally see your story in the picture already, the man does appear to be older
    than the girl so it's totally possible that she is his daughter, and he looks to be pensive
    and lost in deep thought. Nice way to play the angle.
    Whoa, last two lines I like how you switched it up again there I am expecting to see
    folder/older - and something with the 'older' sound and you switched up on the last line.
    Also I like the way you said it, 'handed me the folder/saw her future in my hands'. Dope.

    So the next blue section, I assume is the doctor? with news on the cancer after it's been
    tested. Which leads me to some slight confusion (I could just be jumping the gun too)
    but with the phrase "Julie's stage" left me with the impression that the cancer was already
    a confirmed death sentence.

    Ahh I like the return to "it's just a rumor" calling back the "that's but a myth". Idk if this was your intent or not. but I feel like I am getting a double entendre from this stanza...

    "The people who believe the tree is evil think the world's forgiving too.
    As I've said, it's but a rumor since my girl is living proof!
    She lives another day to jump from surfaced root to surfaced root.
    And rearrange the lifeless leaves to simulate a perfect loop.
    She lives another day to watch the darkened clouds approach.
    And she get's to live it lively without fear and purpose too!"


    Could very well be talking about a regular tree. But in the context of cancer treatement, it could double as medical marijuana. I actually have a friend I used to work with and her daughter has seizures really bad and she literally up and moved to a state that supported medical marijuana/cannibis oil to get her daughter some help. (btw it works - she lives just over the FL state line now)

    Also I have not listened to the audio feedback you've been given so I apologize if I am repeating anything that was already said/pointed out.

    this next section is hands down my favorite. ....

    '"There's no grass around the tree, nor a plant or slimey worm.
    Not a bird, not a squirrel, just a sad untimely urn.
    Everything it touches slowly dies and it's to blame.
    That's why I must confess why I have had these fits of shame.
    It's been a poison ever since the seed has hit the plain.
    Anything that's touched the trunk has ended swift and slain.
    It's the razor blade the earth has used to calmly slit a vain.
    That's why I'm sad to say that Julie's on the list of names."


    .....I said to the mirror with tears in my eyes"

    omg the flow/wording here just so On. "it's the razor blade that earth has use to calmly slit a vein" ..... (fixed the spelling for you don't worry I got them backwards before too)
    that line there was so .....tragically beautiful or beautifully tragic .. not sure which is the
    best fitting use of the words but the imagery it created was great.

    and the last section (not to be outdone by the poetics of this ^^)

    dropping the dementia bombshell and how this man is so happy and thankful about a daughter that never made it. It's creates the emotion/visual so well.

    I cannot even begin to fathom having to relearn my kid passed away all over again, repeatedly.

    and I assume that that's what the doctor has done here, just let him hold onto his peace and happiness instead of breaking him all over again.

    great storytelling here Kris. I loved it.
    Last edited by Rude; 12-13-2017 at 05:32 AM. Reason: typos


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  13. #9
    sultan of syntax wes ghost's Avatar
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    "The truth will sadden him while only part of it will make his day.
    The pain would hate to stay, then drain his shame until it fades away."


    ---- fucking loved the flow here. The added syllable(s) in the 2nd line really helped with the rhythm of everything. It's an incredible way to start and to help yourself ensure that the reader is reading it the way you want them to. Sometimes, with equal syllable count, you aren't positive how it will be read aloud. I thought this was a great start brotha boy.


    I sit and stare and watch my daughter play beside the "Tree of Death".
    I know that's but a myth to keep you far from beauty's gaze.
    I've traversed a loopy maze of those who swear that is the truth.
    Spare your glare, it isn't true. It's used to scare the stupid youth.
    My daughter got cancer at such an unruly age.
    I was truly phased, worried by the danger of Julie's stage.
    He handed me the folder, I pictured her getting older.
    Saw her future in my hands but couldn't bare to view the news.


    ----- the "tree of death" line through the section a bit for me since i kept adjusting the way i was reading the lines that followed, in assumption that a rhyme would come in to complete it at some point. Without the line, i loved the section. With the line, i loved the content of the section but, if im being honest, i wasn't able to just skate through it since i kept trying to figure out the scheme. Either way, good shit.



    "I've come to a decision....

    I know your scared to see what lurks inside.
    I'm betting deep within the back you've had the answer in your mind,
    But fear not you lucky man because the cancer is benign!"



    -------Dopeness. No complaints here whatsoever. Just makes me want to keep diving into it! AKA: nice!!


    The people who believe the tree is evil think the world's forgiving too.
    As I've said, it's but a rumor since my girl is living proof!
    She lives another day to jump from surfaced root to surfaced root.
    And rearrange the lifeless leaves to simulate a perfect loop.
    She lives another day to watch the darkened clouds approach.
    And she get's to live it lively without fear and purpose too!


    -------that first bar though....damn. Good shit. This whole section is fucking fire. Surfaced root/Perfect loop is fucking FIRE. Some of the best bars I've read this round.


    The Truth About The Tree of Death


    "There's no grass around the tree, nor a plant or slimey worm.
    Not a bird, not a squirrel, just a sad untimely urn.
    Everything it touches slowly dies and it's to blame.
    That's why I must confess why I have had these fits of shame.
    It's been a poison ever since the seed has hit the plain.
    Anything that's touched the trunk has ended swift and slain.
    It's the razor blade the earth has used to calmly slit a vain.
    That's why I'm sad to say that Julie's on the list of names."

    .....I said to the mirror with tears in my eyes


    ----whaaaaat. Kris, wtf man! You went to another level with this piece, thus far. This is EASILY my favorite thing i've read from you. This is fucking HW caliber shit man. Wow. What a fucking treat to read.



    "What did you tell him?"



    "The cancer was the only thing that needed addressing.
    Then he told me how his daughter will be just as stoked.
    At first I thought, "well maybe he just hugs her ghost."
    Then he said that she's still thanking god and counting her blessings.
    If I would've told him everything, it would've been depressing
    After her death, I'm assuming that he must've broke.
    So I left out the little part where his dementia is progressing,
    Now he can die holding who he loves the most."


    ------ Didn't love the word 'stoked' here. Just kinda threw me out of the beauty up to this point. Love the hugs her ghost line. Beautifully worded. The section's scheme is really well done, but I had just a littttttle bit of a hard time finding the overall flow, but that had more to do with the syllable count than the scheme. I thought the scheme was done perfectly, but the shorter lines, with the way THAT I was reading it, felt rushed. In the rhythm I had found, throughout the piece, it left me wanting a couple more syllables per line (on the stoked/ghost/broke lines).

    Honestly, this was incredible. So fucking proud of you. Hands down my fav piece from you. You should be even more proud of you than I am. You've grown quite a fucking bit and it shows. Congrats man. The concept, the rhyming, the syntax.....everything was almost as good as it could be. Bravo!

    Cheers mate







    r.i.p. jonny & luna
    cloak&dagger


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