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  1. #1
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    Marching from the Graveyard

    I dragged my feet ignore my shackles
    Lagged across the street followed by shadows
    And ragged figures lost in battles
    A mixture of generations herded like cattle
    Took much vigor and inspiration just to leave the chapel
    Mortals without hesitation call us a horde from a fable
    I have distain for such a label, ate him like a pack of jackals
    His brain sweeter then a sap of maple.
    Made me able to shamble a lap to my cradle.
    Hospital from when I was lad with my lab, his name Fido
    My name Rico, last name who knows
    Who cares, my past life was so-so
    Well my memory count is so low, based on the remnants of a old photo
    With my padres, hermanos y mi perro
    Anyway I make it to where I spent my last days
    Where my parents prayed and stayed till I faded away
    My birthplace and deathbed
    My face red and I forgot what I said
    On that day I was misled and said my foes
    Let this dude get my head and we came to blows
    Knocked so him so hard he came off his toes
    Although he secretly had ammo
    Seconds later it felt like time slowed
    After that my memory froze
    Forgive my wretched prose
    I leave the room and forget my woes
    To the gloom of the graveyard where I'm cursed to forever doze

  2. #2
    Administrator Vlad's Avatar
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    Awards Member of SocietyThe CuredVerified VoterFeel Me, Fam?One Of Us
    Quote Originally Posted by Vammy View Post
    I dragged my feet ignore my shackles
    Lagged across the street followed by shadows
    And ragged figures lost in battles
    A mixture of generations herded like cattle
    Took much vigor and inspiration just to leave the chapel
    Mortals without hesitation call us a horde from a fable
    I have distain for such a label, ate him like a pack of jackals
    His brain sweeter then a sap of maple.
    Made me able to shamble a lap to my cradle.
    Not a bad way to start. Not sure I'm a 100% fan of some of the schemes here. Shackles/shadows requires pronouncing at least one differently than normal, at least for me, though it's not bad. Chapel/fable/jackal/maple, close enough to not be overly mad at, but still worth mentioning.

    Disdain*

    Like this 'his brain sweeter than a sap of maple'.

    Decent opening, though aside from the few wording issues. The content is good in your pieces when you write to a chosen or given topic, just will need to keep practicing and experimenting with wording.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vammy View Post
    Hospital from when I was lad with my lab, his name Fido
    My name Rico, last name who knows
    Who cares, my past life was so-so
    Well my memory count is so low, based on the remnants of a old photo
    With my padres, hermanos y mi perro
    Anyway I make it to where I spent my last days
    Where my parents prayed and stayed till I faded away
    Bit of an odd wording way to start 'Hospital from when I was a lad' may have needed a word before to be a bit more smooth. 'In the hospital from when...' perhaps.

    Liked this line: ' Well my memory count is so low, based on the remnants of a old photo' Like this section as a whole, actually. Wording was simple but continued the story and what you're telling without much complaint.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vammy View Post
    My birthplace and deathbed
    My face red and I forgot what I said
    On that day I was misled and said my foes
    Let this dude get my head and we came to blows
    Knocked so him so hard he came off his toes
    Although he secretly had ammo
    Seconds later it felt like time slowed
    After that my memory froze
    Forgive my wretched prose
    I leave the room and forget my woes
    To the gloom of the graveyard where I'm cursed to forever doze
    Had an extra 'so' here - ' Knocked so him so hard he came off his toes'

    Not overly fond of the wording through this section for some reason, and the shorter simple lines/rhymes, just didn't have as much substance as I would have liked. Though that's picking at it. With that longer line at the very end, I think you could have put 2 previous lines together just to have a bit more consistency with the length. The long one was a bit more of a mouthful.

    Overall, though, not a bad piece. Seemed a bit of a quick written due to the simple wording and schemes that you used. Not saying that's a bad thing, it's good to write as much as you can. I do like the story that was told, was consistent in that sense, you told it well and brought it around fairly nicely to end. Keep at it bro.

  3. #3
    Maestro of Multis
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vammy View Post
    I dragged my feet ignore my shackles
    Lagged across the street followed by shadows
    And ragged figures lost in battles
    A mixture of generations herded like cattle
    I love that you've taken advice given and applied it, you're improving on
    every single piece you write, whether you realize it or not.
    I like the imagery you created in the first two lines,
    and the 2nd two also do a good job at setting the scene.

    Took much vigor and inspiration just to leave the chapel
    Mortals without hesitation call us a horde from a fable
    I have distain for such a label, ate him like a pack of jackals
    His brain sweeter then a sap of maple.
    So I apologize, I was wrong when I initially called you out on fable
    not rhyming with the previous words, because I see what you did here
    you switched to an ABAB scheme. That's my fault for saying something
    without reading the whole piece. I like the language you're using it fits
    the scenery.

    Made me able to shamble a lap to my cradle.
    Hospital from when I was lad with my lab, his name Fido
    My name Rico, last name who knows
    Who cares, my past life was so-so
    Well my memory count is so low, based on the remnants of a old photo
    With my padres, hermanos y mi perro
    I'm gonna look past the slightly awkward wording on the first line because I
    like what you were doing with it, like even though it's not extravagant
    strings of multi syllables, I like when you use the double rhyme, slightly slanted
    but it still works.

    I'm a fan of using shortened language when it needs to fit, but the Hospital line
    was a bit of an awkward read because there was no allusion to a place before it.
    Next two lines are ok, and I like when you picked up with "well my memory count
    is so low" and swapping to Spanish for the last line was also key in imagery/scene
    setting because now we know that Rico speaks spanish which alludes to his ethnicity.
    Anyway I make it to where I spent my last days
    Where my parents prayed and stayed till I faded away
    My birthplace and deathbed
    My face red and I forgot what I said
    That last line - that's how you use allusion! When I said
    the Hospital line read akward b/c there was nothing alluding to it before...
    well you just alluded to the fact, Rico was born and died in a Hospital.
    On that day I was misled and said my foes
    Let this dude get my head and we came to blows
    Knocked so him so hard he came off his toes
    Although he secretly had ammo
    Seconds later it felt like time slowed
    After that my memory froze
    Forgive my wretched prose
    I leave the room and forget my woes
    To the gloom of the graveyard where I'm cursed to forever doze
    Did you mean to say "get IN my head"? like he bated you into a fight?
    I like the twist with "although he secretly had ammo, seconds later it felt like time
    slowed" I imagine that would be the case for anyone that dies in an unexpected way
    like it seems like time froze right at the second they die and what happens from there
    idk. So I'm assuming "I leave the room and forget my woes" - means his spirit was
    in the room with his parents when he died so he watches them weep over him?
    and "to the gloom of the graveyard where I'm cursed to forever doze" - obviously
    solidifies the fact he's dead, but could also imply that his spirit is in a state of unrest..


    you did a great job at storytelling on this one Vammy, I am thoroughly happy with
    what you've written here. I seen some slight wording issues that makes certain parts
    awkward to read with a rhythm, but nothing that impacted the story so much I couldn't
    enjoy what you did with it.


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